Thoughts on Rent, Football & Eurovision

When everybody was chanting 'It's coming home' at the recent Euro football competition I didn't realise they were singing about me potentially going back to my mother's house to live at the age of 46, although I do object to being referred to as 'it!' Yes, now that the pandemic has been declared 'over' by politicians and the eviction ban has been lifted on tenants I've been slammed with a whopping 15% increase in rent and there's naff all I can do about it, other than pack up and 'do one' as I believe it is fashionable to say.

Yes, I am one of those old fashioned people who still uses a property for its traditional purpose of living in it rather than for making oodles of money. As rents shear away from wages at an exponential rate I seriously do wonder what will happen in years to come. Will we be one big happy homeless nation while a minority get to rattle around in ten properties each, letting out cupboards for £2,000 a month for us to squat in? I anticipate a mass exodus from this particular block that has been home to me for five years, soon to be filled with London commuters on four times the salary. The great unquestionable God of Market Forces has spoken.

Free market lovers say that there is no 'magic money tree' when it comes to funding public services but when it comes to mere mortals paying rent they expect us to find a whole forest!

Well, I've been looking for one of these 'magic money forests' but all I found were a few vines - they were sour grapes. Boom boom! But no, these magic money forests do exist, but they can only be found offshore and they seem to be for the exclusive use of millionaires and billionaires - you know, in places like the Cayman Islands. 

So what of the football?

As Bruce Forsyth used to say 'Didn't they do well?'

As well as Brucie's game shows, Worzel Gummidge was a popular programme when I was a child. It featured a scarecrow that came to life and generally tried to win the affection of a stuck up wooden doll called Aunt Sally, who used always used to buy two cakes in the local café, one for eating and one for throwing.

Now this came to mind because I wondered if football fans do a similar thing with beer. Do they buy one pint for drinking and one for launching whenever a goal is scored? I can't quite understand the whole drink-throwing craze. Surely it is possible to contain one's excitement just long enough to put the glass down? And if not, how did people manage to keep the liquid in the receptacle for the entire history of football but suddenly find an irresistible urge to hurtle it in the mid teenies, or whatever they decided to call the decade from 2010 to 2019?

I'm guessing the most sensible approach is to buy two pints and to drink four fifths of the first one, leaving four fluid ounces in the bottom while you enjoy your second pint. As the players near the opposite goal you then pick up the depleted pint which will contain just enough liquid to made a splash should a goal be scored. When the pressure is off you merely revert to your full pint and continue supping contentedly.

The other obvious aspect of this is that of discomfort. One can only hope that the goals one wants are scored late in the game to minimise the time spent soaking wet. Another aspect is that one probably doesn't want to arrive home smelling like a brewery, that's assuming you can afford to have a home. If you're reading this huddled in a sleeping bag on a slowly melting Antarctic ice shelf in 2100 because that's all you can afford, 'homes' were like warm boxes with people inside.

Observing all the airborne beverages on the TV news I wondered how fans were going to top it should England have actually won the entire competition. Unfortunately we didn't get to find out, but casting my mind back to those TV shows of the 1980s, perhaps Tiswas-style carnage with custard pies and buckets of water would have been in order!

In the end Italy scooped the double whammy of winning the Euro competition and the Eurovision Song Contest, another institution that I cannot get my head around.

Now I'll concede that there are lots of reasons that European countries may not be huge fans of 'Royaume Uni' at the mo, but this is a 'song' contest, not a popularity contest. Surely the clue is in the name. It's not called the 'Eurovision Political Affiliation Contest With Added Music' is it? Admittedly our song wasn't amazing (are any of them?), but I still can't see how it was so bad that we deserved 'nil points.'

Personally I feel sorry for the performers. It should be an honour to represent the UK on the world stage, but they remind me of soldiers being ordered out of the trenches to face the onslaught like lambs to the slaughter.

And talking of music, isn't it time the line in the ubiquitous football anthem was updated to 'fifty years of hurt?' from 'thirty.' Let's hope Gareth Southgate's boys can triumph before it reaches sixty. Or indeed before I reach sixty! Come on England!

Adam's Music Reviews #8 (Dec 2020)

UPDATED JUNE 2021

So, England is going for a third crack at a full blown lockdown, cos the other two were just great weren't they? To paraphrase the coffee cup phrase, 'same s---, different year.' On a serious note, if everyone heeds the advice, we might not need a fourth lockdown. Or a fifth. Or a sixth. Anyway, this means no trolley wars in the supermarket and definitely no rioting, sorry! The flip side of this (pun intended) is that there's plenty of time for me to sit, beer in hand, gazing out over the twinkling lights of Ashford with some top notch albums playing. I've also plenty of time to review them.

There's a bit of a nineties vibe this time around. It seems that people are flouting the lockdown rules by having illegal raves, so I thought I'd demonstrate how it's possible to have a legal rave on your Jack Jones! The musical musings and humour continue in '2021: A Musical Odyssey' - now available in digital and paperback formats.

Simon and Garfunkel - Bookends (1968)

When I was a teenager I remember borrowing vinyl LPs of S&G from my auntie and I always viewed this album as the 'weird one' in their catalogue, but it was also the most compelling, from the snippet of 'The Sound Of Silence' woven into 'Save The Life Of My Child' to the dissonant orchestral backing to 'Old Friends.' The first half is a journey from childhood to old age with the tempo gradually slowing with each track. I tend to think of the ages of the four main songs as the speeds on my old record player – 16, 33, 45 and 78 (although the line 'How terribly strange to be seventy' in 'Old Friends' indicates otherwise).

I'm convinced that there are two homages to the Beatles song 'I Am The Walrus' here too, with the reference to a Kellogg's cornflake in 'Punky's Dilemma' (a la 'Sitting on a cornflake...') and the 'coo-coo-ca-choo' in Mrs Robinson. 'Fakin' It' is just a great song, full stop, as is 'Hazy Shade of Winter,' which really should be played among the seasonal wintry songs at this time of year. I may be in the minority but I even like 'Voices Of Old People.'

Simon and Garfunkel - Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme (1966)

More pure gold from the transatlantic duo. It was in winter 1991 that I went into Woolworths (yes, Woolworths) and bought the entire S&G album collection on tapes (yes, tapes). I think it came to £27, which would have been about five weeks of my paper round money. Anyway, this one has the atmospheric song 'The Dangling Conversation' and some thought provoking lyrics in 'Patterns' and 'Flowers Never Bend...' On my original set of tapes, 'Homeward Bound' was on 'Sounds of Silence' rather than this album, so the running orders of my CD versions always seem slightly alien to me. 

Nobody has ever sang so poetically about somebody daubing a swearword on an Underground wall and nobody has ever been brave enough to juxtapose one of our favourite Christmas carols with a news report reflecting the truly dismal state of the world. Top notch stuff. S&G forever!

Barclay James Harvest - ...And Other Short Stories (1971)

I actually heard the BJH song 'Hymn' played on BBC Radio 2 a week or two ago, because of its theme appropriate to Christmas. Personally, I like their early albums the best, of which this was the third. Lighter in feel than the first two albums, this one still has some great moments. 'Little Lapwing' reminds me of Simon and Garfunkel's 'Song for the Asking' with a 'Boxer-esque' crescendo bolted on the end, complete with thrashing drum sound. 'Medicine Man' similarly has an orchestral bolt-on coda and 'Blue John's Blues' builds to a frenzy, reminding me of the Beatles' 'Hey Jude' a bit. Harry's Song is a favourite of mine, but the high point for me, as is so often is the case, is a segue - between the gentle song 'The Poet' and and the prog power chords of  'After The Day.' The segue is a lost art now that most people just download individual tracks, but the next album tries to redress the balance.

Adam Colton and Teresa Colton with Anna Vaughan - Silicon Country (2021)

There's nothing wrong with listening to your own music now and again, and I was particularly pleased when my mother, my sister and I completed recording this album, now available to stream or download on YouTube, Spotify, iTunes et al. My mum (Teresa) has always wanted to record an album of her own country songs and Anna's bass and harmonies are an added bonus here. My favourites are my mum's ballads 'Running With Vampires' and 'Broken Toy.' The album concludes with a mini-musical / concept piece called 'Silicon Symphony' which I wrote as a song cycle about a girl who has a silicon chip implanted in her brain. With lockdown giving me plenty of time, I eventually wrote a novel on the same theme (The Nightshade Project). There's plenty of harmonica this time around, some dabbling on the keyboard and I've even decided to have a break from the political songs. Unless you read between the lines that is...

Bomb The Bass - Clear (1995)

I've never been hugely into dance music, and with the full-on rap opener I wasn't expecting to like this album. However, I bought it for the ambient track 'Somewhere' and consequently grew to like the experimental fare elsewhere on the album. Author, Will Self, does a bizarre monologue about drug abuse which may have inspired comedian Chris Morris with his disturbing monologues and consequently gave me the idea to record some monologues from my novels (search for 'Adam Colton monologue' on YouTube if curious). Sinead O'Connor likens England to a vampire in the final track (!) which even has an acoustic guitar strumming away, and it's fun to try to spot all the classic rock references in Braindead. There's even a sound like Tibetan bells in one of the tracks.

R.E.M. - Out Of Time (1990)

It's strange how songs always evoke memories, and I bought this one a few years after most people did. I remember being totally bored one night and driving 35 miles to Margate with this on in the car to pass the time. I am more aware of the impact of unnecessary driving on the climate these days and I'm also toying with the idea of writing a kind of autobiography in album reviews.

Anyway, a couple of tracks on this one have additional vocals by Kate Pierson from the B52s (remember Love Shack?), and the music is pretty varied, with the instrumental 'Endgame,' the brooding 'Low' (possibly my favourite track), the Elvis-esque vocal on 'Belong' and of course the classics, 'Shiny Happy People' and 'Losing My Religion.' The next two albums the band did were similarly top notch, but there are many others that are well worth listening to as well.

Frank Zappa - Zoot Allures (1976)

Zappa is an acquired taste that is a bit like Marmite. No, not brown and sticky! Most of what he did was in rebellion to being arrested for obscenity in 1965, with Zappa viewing it that restricting language and subject matter is just a form of control (did I get that right?). Thus. I think this is the approach you have to take to his lyrics, as there is always a purpose behind what can often seem like adolescent humour. That said, this is the 'go to' Zappa album for me. The guitar playing is phenomenal throughout and the segue going into 'Wino Man' is the album's high point for me. The wailing women on 'The Torture Never Stops' are controversial to say the least but if you put predispositions aside and get used to Zappa's deep almost satirical vocal style you'll find this album very enjoyable.

Frank Zappa - Broadway The Hard Way (1989)

I often wish that Frank Zappa had been alive during the Trump era. This particular album shows him at his most political, and his anger at the hypocrisy of politicians from both USA parties, as well as TV preachers who indulge in greed and prostitution, is only thinly disguised by the humour. As ever, the lyrics are uncompromising and even Elvis and Michael Jackson are sent up, but this was the point – there should be no holy cows if speech is truly free. These days it seems as though you can swear as much as you like but society has seemingly stopped critiquing itself which is pretty dangerous when you think about it. Anyway, those purely in it for the music will lap up the guitar solo in 'Outside Now' and will no doubt enjoy the jazzy feel of 'Murder By Numbers' sung by Sting. The references may be dated but the issues are more prominent than ever. Behind the madness FZ seemed to always be on the side of tolerance and diversity and this mix of live and studio tracks goes to both ends of the spectrum.

Animals - Pink Floyd (1977)

This was the album where Roger Waters first bared his teeth at the world. With the loose theme of dogs, pigs and sheep inspired by George Orwell's 'Animal Farm,' the venom is pointed at business, censorship and religion in equal measure. At first I found the corrupted version of the Lord's Prayer somewhat distasteful, but 'Sheep' is a great song, with some nice tinkling on the electric piano at the start, building to a rocking finish. The steady cowbell in 'Pigs (Three Different Ones)' is also fab. but the penultimate devastating chord of 'Dogs' is the piece de resistance for me. As for 'Pigs On The Wing,' worth checking out is the version where the two halves are joined together with a solo by Snowy White. Seriously, check it out...

Life - The Cardigans (1995)

The Cardigans were a band from Sweden and amazingly two of the members were formerly heavy metal musicians. This was the album they released before they made it big and here Nina Persson's voice has an enchanting quality about it that I can only sum up as 'fresh sounding.' The version of this album released in Sweden is different to what we got in the UK; our version being a hybrid, selecting tracks from their first album and omitting three of the tracks from the Swedish version of 'Life.' Got that? Now this was a good move because we got to hear the full-length version of 'Celia Inside,' which is my personal favourite with its jazz-inspired guitar solo. The rest of the album is quirky and varied. 'Hey! Get Out Of My Way' has a motif reminiscent of Johnny & The Hurricanes. And there's even a laid back cover of Black Sabbath's 'Sabbath Bloody Sabbath.' What's not to like?

First Band On The Moon - The Cardigans (1996)

It's no secret that I enjoy a good segue, and on this album the band used the approach right the way through. The melodies are superb and Nina Persson's vocals still have the quirky quality that she would ditch either consciously or subconsciously later on. The single 'Lovefool' is a song that seemed to encapsulate the naive optimism of the mid-nineties, and it still gets regular airplay today. The end of 'Been It' gives an indication of the band's penchant for heavier styles, as does the jazzy cover of Black Sabbath's 'Iron Man.' 'Step On Me' takes the 'damsel in distress' theme of 'Lovefool' a somewhat disturbing stage further, and 'Choke' has a top notch riff. The band were about to drop the quirkiness, so the two albums I reviewed here are like youthful innocence frozen in time.

The KLF - The White Room (1991)

When The KLF were big in the early nineties I dismissed them as a 'bunch of nutters.' They burnt a million pounds for art after all, which simultaneously makes me think 'what a statement' and 'what a waste.' If you get the USA version, the album is of a similar format to Primal Scream's 'Screamadelica,' being half rave music and half 'chill out /wind down' material. The UK version winds down sooner as the version of 'Last Train To Trancentral' is not the single version. The vocals continually self-promote, with impassioned vocal lines like 'Take me to the church of the KLF.' Regardless, it's all very enjoyable and American country singer, Tammy Wynette, was impressed enough to rerecord 'Justified and Ancient' with the group, the original version of which graces this album.

Electric Light Orchestra - Out Of The Blue (1977)

There are only a handful of people for whom endlessly creating great melodies is natural. Paul McCartney and Harry Nilsson spring to mind. Jeff Lynne is another master. From the opening of 'Turn To Stone' to the closing of 'Wild West Hero' the quality on this double album never drops. I even like 'Birmingham Blues' where Jeff Lynne demonstrates a genuine affection for Britain's second largest city. The joyous 'Across The Border' has a Mexican feel with its trumpets and there's plenty of bittersweet melancholy in the form of 'Steppin' Out' and my personal favourite, 'Big Wheels.' Three words: what a song!

Electric Light Orchestra - A New World Record (1976)

This was the first of four regular albums that set the bar so high that the critics of the eighties dismissed ELO. Schoolboy error. We open with the dramatic orchestral intro to 'Tightrope,' and once again classic follows classic. Telephone Line, Rockaria, Livin' Thing - you know these songs! 'Mission (A World Record)' is a rare thing, a futuristic song which evokes nostalgia with its lines 'Who are you and who am I? How's life on earth?' Meanwhile, 'Shangri-La,' which closes the album, repeats the emotional punch and name-drops the band's heroes with the line 'Fading like the Beatles on Hey Jude.' One word: superb.

AND FINALLY: I've also given the single of 'Air On A G String' b/w 'Prelude 16' by Jacques Loussier a few spins recently. This is the jazz rendition of Bach that was famously used for the Hamlet adverts. It may have inspired Procol Harum to base 'Whiter Shade of Pale' on the same melody a year later, and my only criticism is that unlike most jazz pieces this doesn't even break the four-minute mark, so you have to put the two tracks of the single on 'loop' to really savour it. And with ongoing restrictions set to continue well into 2021, we'll have a lot of time indeed for savouring.