Thoughts on Rent, Football & Eurovision

When everybody was chanting 'It's coming home' at the recent Euro football competition I didn't realise they were singing about me potentially going back to my mother's house to live at the age of 46, although I do object to being referred to as 'it!' Yes, now that the pandemic has been declared 'over' by politicians and the eviction ban has been lifted on tenants I've been slammed with a whopping 15% increase in rent and there's naff all I can do about it, other than pack up and 'do one' as I believe it is fashionable to say.

Yes, I am one of those old fashioned people who still uses a property for its traditional purpose of living in it rather than for making oodles of money. As rents shear away from wages at an exponential rate I seriously do wonder what will happen in years to come. Will we be one big happy homeless nation while a minority get to rattle around in ten properties each, letting out cupboards for £2,000 a month for us to squat in? I anticipate a mass exodus from this particular block that has been home to me for five years, soon to be filled with London commuters on four times the salary. The great unquestionable God of Market Forces has spoken.

Free market lovers say that there is no 'magic money tree' when it comes to funding public services but when it comes to mere mortals paying rent they expect us to find a whole forest!

Well, I've been looking for one of these 'magic money forests' but all I found were a few vines - they were sour grapes. Boom boom! But no, these magic money forests do exist, but they can only be found offshore and they seem to be for the exclusive use of millionaires and billionaires - you know, in places like the Cayman Islands. 

So what of the football?

As Bruce Forsyth used to say 'Didn't they do well?'

As well as Brucie's game shows, Worzel Gummidge was a popular programme when I was a child. It featured a scarecrow that came to life and generally tried to win the affection of a stuck up wooden doll called Aunt Sally, who used always used to buy two cakes in the local café, one for eating and one for throwing.

Now this came to mind because I wondered if football fans do a similar thing with beer. Do they buy one pint for drinking and one for launching whenever a goal is scored? I can't quite understand the whole drink-throwing craze. Surely it is possible to contain one's excitement just long enough to put the glass down? And if not, how did people manage to keep the liquid in the receptacle for the entire history of football but suddenly find an irresistible urge to hurtle it in the mid teenies, or whatever they decided to call the decade from 2010 to 2019?

I'm guessing the most sensible approach is to buy two pints and to drink four fifths of the first one, leaving four fluid ounces in the bottom while you enjoy your second pint. As the players near the opposite goal you then pick up the depleted pint which will contain just enough liquid to made a splash should a goal be scored. When the pressure is off you merely revert to your full pint and continue supping contentedly.

The other obvious aspect of this is that of discomfort. One can only hope that the goals one wants are scored late in the game to minimise the time spent soaking wet. Another aspect is that one probably doesn't want to arrive home smelling like a brewery, that's assuming you can afford to have a home. If you're reading this huddled in a sleeping bag on a slowly melting Antarctic ice shelf in 2100 because that's all you can afford, 'homes' were like warm boxes with people inside.

Observing all the airborne beverages on the TV news I wondered how fans were going to top it should England have actually won the entire competition. Unfortunately we didn't get to find out, but casting my mind back to those TV shows of the 1980s, perhaps Tiswas-style carnage with custard pies and buckets of water would have been in order!

In the end Italy scooped the double whammy of winning the Euro competition and the Eurovision Song Contest, another institution that I cannot get my head around.

Now I'll concede that there are lots of reasons that European countries may not be huge fans of 'Royaume Uni' at the mo, but this is a 'song' contest, not a popularity contest. Surely the clue is in the name. It's not called the 'Eurovision Political Affiliation Contest With Added Music' is it? Admittedly our song wasn't amazing (are any of them?), but I still can't see how it was so bad that we deserved 'nil points.'

Personally I feel sorry for the performers. It should be an honour to represent the UK on the world stage, but they remind me of soldiers being ordered out of the trenches to face the onslaught like lambs to the slaughter.

And talking of music, isn't it time the line in the ubiquitous football anthem was updated to 'fifty years of hurt?' from 'thirty.' Let's hope Gareth Southgate's boys can triumph before it reaches sixty. Or indeed before I reach sixty! Come on England!

Adam's Music Reviews #8 (Dec 2020)

UPDATED JUNE 2021

So, England is going for a third crack at a full blown lockdown, cos the other two were just great weren't they? To paraphrase the coffee cup phrase, 'same s---, different year.' On a serious note, if everyone heeds the advice, we might not need a fourth lockdown. Or a fifth. Or a sixth. Anyway, this means no trolley wars in the supermarket and definitely no rioting, sorry! The flip side of this (pun intended) is that there's plenty of time for me to sit, beer in hand, gazing out over the twinkling lights of Ashford with some top notch albums playing. I've also plenty of time to review them.

There's a bit of a nineties vibe this time around. It seems that people are flouting the lockdown rules by having illegal raves, so I thought I'd demonstrate how it's possible to have a legal rave on your Jack Jones! The musical musings and humour continue in '2021: A Musical Odyssey' - now available in digital and paperback formats.

Simon and Garfunkel - Bookends (1968)

When I was a teenager I remember borrowing vinyl LPs of S&G from my auntie and I always viewed this album as the 'weird one' in their catalogue, but it was also the most compelling, from the snippet of 'The Sound Of Silence' woven into 'Save The Life Of My Child' to the dissonant orchestral backing to 'Old Friends.' The first half is a journey from childhood to old age with the tempo gradually slowing with each track. I tend to think of the ages of the four main songs as the speeds on my old record player – 16, 33, 45 and 78 (although the line 'How terribly strange to be seventy' in 'Old Friends' indicates otherwise).

I'm convinced that there are two homages to the Beatles song 'I Am The Walrus' here too, with the reference to a Kellogg's cornflake in 'Punky's Dilemma' (a la 'Sitting on a cornflake...') and the 'coo-coo-ca-choo' in Mrs Robinson. 'Fakin' It' is just a great song, full stop, as is 'Hazy Shade of Winter,' which really should be played among the seasonal wintry songs at this time of year. I may be in the minority but I even like 'Voices Of Old People.'

Simon and Garfunkel - Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme (1966)

More pure gold from the transatlantic duo. It was in winter 1991 that I went into Woolworths (yes, Woolworths) and bought the entire S&G album collection on tapes (yes, tapes). I think it came to £27, which would have been about five weeks of my paper round money. Anyway, this one has the atmospheric song 'The Dangling Conversation' and some thought provoking lyrics in 'Patterns' and 'Flowers Never Bend...' On my original set of tapes, 'Homeward Bound' was on 'Sounds of Silence' rather than this album, so the running orders of my CD versions always seem slightly alien to me. 

Nobody has ever sang so poetically about somebody daubing a swearword on an Underground wall and nobody has ever been brave enough to juxtapose one of our favourite Christmas carols with a news report reflecting the truly dismal state of the world. Top notch stuff. S&G forever!

Barclay James Harvest - ...And Other Short Stories (1971)

I actually heard the BJH song 'Hymn' played on BBC Radio 2 a week or two ago, because of its theme appropriate to Christmas. Personally, I like their early albums the best, of which this was the third. Lighter in feel than the first two albums, this one still has some great moments. 'Little Lapwing' reminds me of Simon and Garfunkel's 'Song for the Asking' with a 'Boxer-esque' crescendo bolted on the end, complete with thrashing drum sound. 'Medicine Man' similarly has an orchestral bolt-on coda and 'Blue John's Blues' builds to a frenzy, reminding me of the Beatles' 'Hey Jude' a bit. Harry's Song is a favourite of mine, but the high point for me, as is so often is the case, is a segue - between the gentle song 'The Poet' and and the prog power chords of  'After The Day.' The segue is a lost art now that most people just download individual tracks, but the next album tries to redress the balance.

Adam Colton and Teresa Colton with Anna Vaughan - Silicon Country (2021)

There's nothing wrong with listening to your own music now and again, and I was particularly pleased when my mother, my sister and I completed recording this album, now available to stream or download on YouTube, Spotify, iTunes et al. My mum (Teresa) has always wanted to record an album of her own country songs and Anna's bass and harmonies are an added bonus here. My favourites are my mum's ballads 'Running With Vampires' and 'Broken Toy.' The album concludes with a mini-musical / concept piece called 'Silicon Symphony' which I wrote as a song cycle about a girl who has a silicon chip implanted in her brain. With lockdown giving me plenty of time, I eventually wrote a novel on the same theme (The Nightshade Project). There's plenty of harmonica this time around, some dabbling on the keyboard and I've even decided to have a break from the political songs. Unless you read between the lines that is...

Bomb The Bass - Clear (1995)

I've never been hugely into dance music, and with the full-on rap opener I wasn't expecting to like this album. However, I bought it for the ambient track 'Somewhere' and consequently grew to like the experimental fare elsewhere on the album. Author, Will Self, does a bizarre monologue about drug abuse which may have inspired comedian Chris Morris with his disturbing monologues and consequently gave me the idea to record some monologues from my novels (search for 'Adam Colton monologue' on YouTube if curious). Sinead O'Connor likens England to a vampire in the final track (!) which even has an acoustic guitar strumming away, and it's fun to try to spot all the classic rock references in Braindead. There's even a sound like Tibetan bells in one of the tracks.

R.E.M. - Out Of Time (1990)

It's strange how songs always evoke memories, and I bought this one a few years after most people did. I remember being totally bored one night and driving 35 miles to Margate with this on in the car to pass the time. I am more aware of the impact of unnecessary driving on the climate these days and I'm also toying with the idea of writing a kind of autobiography in album reviews.

Anyway, a couple of tracks on this one have additional vocals by Kate Pierson from the B52s (remember Love Shack?), and the music is pretty varied, with the instrumental 'Endgame,' the brooding 'Low' (possibly my favourite track), the Elvis-esque vocal on 'Belong' and of course the classics, 'Shiny Happy People' and 'Losing My Religion.' The next two albums the band did were similarly top notch, but there are many others that are well worth listening to as well.

Frank Zappa - Zoot Allures (1976)

Zappa is an acquired taste that is a bit like Marmite. No, not brown and sticky! Most of what he did was in rebellion to being arrested for obscenity in 1965, with Zappa viewing it that restricting language and subject matter is just a form of control (did I get that right?). Thus. I think this is the approach you have to take to his lyrics, as there is always a purpose behind what can often seem like adolescent humour. That said, this is the 'go to' Zappa album for me. The guitar playing is phenomenal throughout and the segue going into 'Wino Man' is the album's high point for me. The wailing women on 'The Torture Never Stops' are controversial to say the least but if you put predispositions aside and get used to Zappa's deep almost satirical vocal style you'll find this album very enjoyable.

Frank Zappa - Broadway The Hard Way (1989)

I often wish that Frank Zappa had been alive during the Trump era. This particular album shows him at his most political, and his anger at the hypocrisy of politicians from both USA parties, as well as TV preachers who indulge in greed and prostitution, is only thinly disguised by the humour. As ever, the lyrics are uncompromising and even Elvis and Michael Jackson are sent up, but this was the point – there should be no holy cows if speech is truly free. These days it seems as though you can swear as much as you like but society has seemingly stopped critiquing itself which is pretty dangerous when you think about it. Anyway, those purely in it for the music will lap up the guitar solo in 'Outside Now' and will no doubt enjoy the jazzy feel of 'Murder By Numbers' sung by Sting. The references may be dated but the issues are more prominent than ever. Behind the madness FZ seemed to always be on the side of tolerance and diversity and this mix of live and studio tracks goes to both ends of the spectrum.

Animals - Pink Floyd (1977)

This was the album where Roger Waters first bared his teeth at the world. With the loose theme of dogs, pigs and sheep inspired by George Orwell's 'Animal Farm,' the venom is pointed at business, censorship and religion in equal measure. At first I found the corrupted version of the Lord's Prayer somewhat distasteful, but 'Sheep' is a great song, with some nice tinkling on the electric piano at the start, building to a rocking finish. The steady cowbell in 'Pigs (Three Different Ones)' is also fab. but the penultimate devastating chord of 'Dogs' is the piece de resistance for me. As for 'Pigs On The Wing,' worth checking out is the version where the two halves are joined together with a solo by Snowy White. Seriously, check it out...

Life - The Cardigans (1995)

The Cardigans were a band from Sweden and amazingly two of the members were formerly heavy metal musicians. This was the album they released before they made it big and here Nina Persson's voice has an enchanting quality about it that I can only sum up as 'fresh sounding.' The version of this album released in Sweden is different to what we got in the UK; our version being a hybrid, selecting tracks from their first album and omitting three of the tracks from the Swedish version of 'Life.' Got that? Now this was a good move because we got to hear the full-length version of 'Celia Inside,' which is my personal favourite with its jazz-inspired guitar solo. The rest of the album is quirky and varied. 'Hey! Get Out Of My Way' has a motif reminiscent of Johnny & The Hurricanes. And there's even a laid back cover of Black Sabbath's 'Sabbath Bloody Sabbath.' What's not to like?

First Band On The Moon - The Cardigans (1996)

It's no secret that I enjoy a good segue, and on this album the band used the approach right the way through. The melodies are superb and Nina Persson's vocals still have the quirky quality that she would ditch either consciously or subconsciously later on. The single 'Lovefool' is a song that seemed to encapsulate the naive optimism of the mid-nineties, and it still gets regular airplay today. The end of 'Been It' gives an indication of the band's penchant for heavier styles, as does the jazzy cover of Black Sabbath's 'Iron Man.' 'Step On Me' takes the 'damsel in distress' theme of 'Lovefool' a somewhat disturbing stage further, and 'Choke' has a top notch riff. The band were about to drop the quirkiness, so the two albums I reviewed here are like youthful innocence frozen in time.

The KLF - The White Room (1991)

When The KLF were big in the early nineties I dismissed them as a 'bunch of nutters.' They burnt a million pounds for art after all, which simultaneously makes me think 'what a statement' and 'what a waste.' If you get the USA version, the album is of a similar format to Primal Scream's 'Screamadelica,' being half rave music and half 'chill out /wind down' material. The UK version winds down sooner as the version of 'Last Train To Trancentral' is not the single version. The vocals continually self-promote, with impassioned vocal lines like 'Take me to the church of the KLF.' Regardless, it's all very enjoyable and American country singer, Tammy Wynette, was impressed enough to rerecord 'Justified and Ancient' with the group, the original version of which graces this album.

Electric Light Orchestra - Out Of The Blue (1977)

There are only a handful of people for whom endlessly creating great melodies is natural. Paul McCartney and Harry Nilsson spring to mind. Jeff Lynne is another master. From the opening of 'Turn To Stone' to the closing of 'Wild West Hero' the quality on this double album never drops. I even like 'Birmingham Blues' where Jeff Lynne demonstrates a genuine affection for Britain's second largest city. The joyous 'Across The Border' has a Mexican feel with its trumpets and there's plenty of bittersweet melancholy in the form of 'Steppin' Out' and my personal favourite, 'Big Wheels.' Three words: what a song!

Electric Light Orchestra - A New World Record (1976)

This was the first of four regular albums that set the bar so high that the critics of the eighties dismissed ELO. Schoolboy error. We open with the dramatic orchestral intro to 'Tightrope,' and once again classic follows classic. Telephone Line, Rockaria, Livin' Thing - you know these songs! 'Mission (A World Record)' is a rare thing, a futuristic song which evokes nostalgia with its lines 'Who are you and who am I? How's life on earth?' Meanwhile, 'Shangri-La,' which closes the album, repeats the emotional punch and name-drops the band's heroes with the line 'Fading like the Beatles on Hey Jude.' One word: superb.

AND FINALLY: I've also given the single of 'Air On A G String' b/w 'Prelude 16' by Jacques Loussier a few spins recently. This is the jazz rendition of Bach that was famously used for the Hamlet adverts. It may have inspired Procol Harum to base 'Whiter Shade of Pale' on the same melody a year later, and my only criticism is that unlike most jazz pieces this doesn't even break the four-minute mark, so you have to put the two tracks of the single on 'loop' to really savour it. And with ongoing restrictions set to continue well into 2021, we'll have a lot of time indeed for savouring.

Ashford, Kent - Portrait of a Town

[Last updated Dec 2023]

Introduction to the Town

The town of Ashford is centrally located in Kent and twinned with Hopewell in the USA, Fougères in France and Bad Münstereifel in Germany. The latter two have link roads to motorway junctions named after them so perhaps the recently added A2070 link to junction 10A should be named after Hopewell.

In 2005 the town was voted the fourth best place to live in the UK. The cathedral-like parish church of St Mary the Virgin, and indeed the town centre around it, occupies a higher area of land to the west of the River Stour, overlooking the flatter ground which surrounds the town. Ashford is sandwiched between the North Downs, England's second longest hill range, and the Greensand Ridge which is more visible west of Pluckley and east of Aldington.

The church's tower shares the skyline with the Panorama (formerly Charter House), currently Ashford's tallest building, as well as International House, another imposing block located near the railway station. A new block dubbed 'The Ashford Shard' has been granted planning permission. The Great Stour, East Stour and South Stour rivers all join in Ashford to flow through the North Downs to Canterbury and Sandwich. The former H.S. Pledge & Sons mill is Ashford's main river feature. It was later used for the nightclubs Dusty's, Cales & Flatfoot Sam's and finally Liquid & Envy.

The town was originally known as Essetesford and is recorded in the Doomsday Book of 1086.  A residential road in South Ashford uses a variation of this name. The town's cattle market was moved to an out-of-town site in the 1990s and Ashford has many modern buildings, such as the college and the new office block in Station Road. However, a haven of tranquillity can be found around the churchyard where you will also find Ashford Museum. The Gateway Centre which houses the tourist information centre and the library is nearby.

Middle Row offers a quaint pedestrian approach to the High Street, which is completely pedestrianised. It is hard to imagine that the high street was once the main A20 road from London to the Channel ports of Folkestone and Dover. Ashford was bypassed in the late 50s and this was upgraded to motorway in the early 80s. A ringway was constructed around the town centre in the early 70s. This gained a reputation as a racetrack (see the video on YouTube) and has since been broken up into a main thoroughfare for the A292 on the north of the town centre and a series of 'shared space' streets to the south. This was the first scheme of its kind in England and Wales, prompting a humorous comment from TV's Jeremy Clarkson.

And while we are on the subject of roads, in 1914 the London to Folkestone road in Ashford was the first road in Britain (and arguably the world) to be adorned with central white lines. This was possibly in the vicinity of Maidstone Road but this needs verifying. Surely there should be a plaque or something commemorating this?

Also worth visiting are the windmill in a quaint corner of Willesborough, the ornamental fountain in Victoria Park and the World War I tank in St George's Square which had its mechanics removed and replaced with an electricity sub-station in 1929, ensuring its survival as a feature.

Claims to Fame & Development

It has often been rumoured that 'Bond' star Roger Moore once lived in the town. Disappointingly online research reveals that his parents once considered buying a property at the junction of Canterbury Road and Faversham Road but didn't follow through. However, one famous name who did play James Bond in a radio adaptation of 'Moonraker' is Bob Holness who grew up in the town and attended the grammar school. Bob Holness was perhaps most famous in the 1980s as the presenter of the TV quiz, 'Blockbusters.' Ashford itself was the setting for the ITV drama series 'Stolen' in the early 1990s.

The Tour de France passed through Ashford during its British leg in 1994 and again in 2007. Famed author Frederick Forsyth was born in the town. Philosopher Simone Weil and conductor Malcolm Sargent also lived in the town and have roads named after them. The mathematician John Wallis, who tutored Isaac Newton and has been credited with inventing the infinity symbol, was born in Ashford and has a pub and a school in the town named after him. How about some plaques or statues of Ashford's famous residents for tourists?

The town's William Harvey Hospital, named after the physician from Folkestone who discovered the circulation of the blood, is well located near the motorway to provide an A&E service, especially with the rapid expansion of the town to the south which includes Finberry, Park Farm and Chilmington. When considering Ashford's urban population it is important that these parished estates are included, so that businesses and services can assess the full potential of locating in the town. The 2021 census gave an urban population of 83,000.

Development seems to be spreading ever further out to the south whilst fields between the M20 and the Willesborough to Kennington road (much closer to the town centre) remain completely rural. Whilst actual flood plain land should clearly not be built upon, this lop-sided approach to growth seems very peculiar. 

Fun and Festivals

The annual Create music festival in Victoria Park attracts big names, with the Lightning Seeds headlining in 2019. There is also a regular music festival in North Park (near the Stour Centre), and the Farriers Arms beer festival just outside the town in Mersham is well worth a visit too. There is a path that can be walked or cycled to Mersham from Church Road, Sevington to Kingsford Street, using a bridge over the A2070.

Trains & Planes

Ashford International is a railway station with six platforms located between London and the Channel crossings of Dover and Eurotunnel. The station has a domestic entrance to the north and an international entrance to the south, with lines diverging to the following destinations clockwise: 

NE) Canterbury, Ramsgate and Margate. 

E) Folkestone, Dover, Deal and Sandwich. 

SE) Eurostar services to Paris or Brussels via Lille (currently suspended)

S) Rye, Hastings and Eastbourne.

W) Tonbridge, Sevenoaks and London Charing Cross. 

NW) Maidstone and London Victoria. 

NNW) High Speed services to Ebbsfleet, Stratford and London St Pancras.

The villages of Wye, Chilham, Hamstreet and Charing (all within the borough) have reasonably central stations too. Appledore and Pluckley also have stations which are some distance from the villages.

Remarkably a rail halt to serve Park Farm and the estates to the south of the town which has been proposed since the 1990s still hasn't got off the drawing board.

London-Ashford Airport is located at Lydd. A former airport at Lympne was known as Ashford Airport prior to this.

No Direction Home?

The town is well served by main roads, but how far would you have to travel in each direction before there are no signs back? Perversely, signage for Ashford has been reduced in recent years in spite of its rapid expansion as a regional centre. Notifying the various councils and the local MP has so far resulted in no change. Let's go round the compass again...

N) Ashford is signed pretty much as far as you can go, on the A251 from Faversham (13 miles) 

NE) On the A28 the town is confirmed as a destination from Sarre, 22 miles away. Consistent signage starts at Canterbury.

E) The town is not signed beyond Hawkinge / Folkestone on the M20/A20 from the coast (14 miles). The furthest sign for the town on the old A20 used to be near Hougham at around 19 miles. Route confirmation for the town from Dover would improve the situation.

SE) There is signage from Lydd on the B2075 (17 miles)

S) Surprisingly Ashford is not signed beyond the A2070 at Brenzett (11 miles). It has been argued that the town should be signed alongside Folkestone on the A259 from Rye / Hastings especially now that the South Coast trunk route ends at M20 junction 10A.

SW) Signage for the town is pretty good from northern Hastings on the A21/A28 (30 miles)

W) The town was once signed for 31 miles from Royal Tunbridge Wells via the A21 and A262. Although there is a route confirmation near Pembury (29 miles), the town isn't signed at the pivotal A21/A262 junction now.

WNW) There is a route confirmation sign at the start of the M26 (40 miles)

NW) Ashford is not mentioned beyond the route confirmation sign at Wrotham (29 miles) on the M20 from London. The town used to be confirmed as a destination at the start of the M20, 37 miles away.

My own 'Ashford and Shepway Roads Database' blog details other routes around the wider area. And while we're on the subject of signs, the current entry signs on main roads into Ashford could do with moving further out to reflect the current extent of the urban area which has expanded significantly. Some are completely missing almost two years after this being reported to the council and later the local MP (A28 NE, A2070 S and A20 NW).

On Your Bike 

For cyclists, Route 18 heads southwest to Tenterden and Tunbridge Wells via Shadoxhurst, and in the opposite direction it runs northeast to Canterbury via Wye and Chartham. Meanwhile Route 17 heads northwest towards Maidstone and the Medway towns via Charing and uses the Pilgrims Way, an ancient trackway which runs along the bottom of the North Downs. There is also a local route numbered 11 to Lydd via the villages of Appledore and Woodchurch.

Another useful cycle route, which has been suggested to the borough council and the local MP for proper blue-signing, can be followed south from the railway station, past the designer outlet, beside the railway to Park Farm, and passing through the estate to Church Hill, Kingsnorth, where lanes can be picked up to reach Hamstreet via Bond Lane / past Homelands Stadium or via Bliby / Brisley. Another radial route could easily be created via Willesborough, over the A2070 bridge to Sevington Church, Mersham and Brabourne Lees, as well as one from Route 18 at Singleton to Great Chart and along lanes to Daniel's Water, Bethersden, Smarden and Headcorn. Three new links the for cost of a bunch of blue signs!

There are two lakes in the town. Singleton Lake can be found along Route 18 towards Tenterden, and the larger Conningbrook Lake can be found off of Route 18 towards Canterbury. It is possible to ride the unsurfaced path around 2/3 of the lake and use a bridge over the River Stour and a bridleway to reach the lane from Willesborough Lees to Wye (Route 18).

Pub Crawl?

If you've ever wondered how many establishments you'd need to visit to say you had been to every pub in Ashford the general answer would be 'Not as many as a few years ago.' Whilst this is sadly true, let's see how many we can tally up. I've included traditional venues that now include restaurants and hotel facilities as long as they remain venues where customers can merely go for a drink:

Town Centre (13): The County Hotel (Wetherspoons), the Glass House, Valerie's Wine Bar, Itaca's Cocktail Bar, the George, the Old Golden Magpie (Ashford Music Shop site), Durbar (formerly the Auction House), the Phoenix, the Taproom, Matches Sports Bar, Cappadocia (restaurant and jazz bar - formerly Platform Five), Made Inn (at the Coachworks) and the Star.

Willesborough axis (7): The New Fox (formerly the Windmill), the Alfred Arms, the Albion, the William Harvey, the Blacksmith's Arms, Hooden Smokehouse, the French Connection.

Kennington axis (8): The Conningbrook, Stubbs, the Old Mill (formerly the Golden Ball), the Rose, the Pheasant, the Bybrook Tavern (at Holiday Inn), Bybrook Barn (Harvester), the Hare and Hounds.

South Ashford axis (6): the New Chimneys, Singleton Barn, the Fish Inn (formerly the Crusader), the Beaver Inn, the Locomotive and the Riverside.

If we include the contiguous settlements of Kingsnorth and Great Chart and broaden the definition of 'pub / bar' a bit, the tally can be cranked up to 40, with the Queen's Head, the Swan & Dog, Cameo nightclub, the Ashford Club, Frankie & Benny's and Curious Brewery. The New Prince of Wales is now Jay’s Soul Food restaurant.

Currently closed are the John Wallis (formerly the Man of Kent) and the Little Black Dog. This site’s author is unable to establish the current status of the Swan.

Dining, Shopping & Entertainment
As far as dining goes there are many quality restaurants in the town centre including Beunos Aries Nights (Argentinian), Aspendos and Cappadocia (Turkish), Jay's Soul Food (Caribbean) and Amici (Italian). There are numerous Indian, Chinese and Nepalese restaurants in the town centre as well as Pizza Express which also has an outlet at the designer outlet, a twenty-minute stroll away. Other 'outlet outlets' include Wagamama, Five Guys and YO! Sushi. A twenty-minute walk in the opposite direction via Quantock Estate and the Eureka bridge will bring you to Eureka Park (this 'quickest walking route' should surely be signed?). Here you'll find restaurants including Nando's, Frankie & Benny's and Beefeater.

Perhaps the crux of why Ashford is sometimes incorrectly perceived as somewhat lacking is that its restaurants and big stores are dissipated all over the urban area, leaving the town centre increasingly facing an uphill battle, while pedestrians struggle to reach the outlying attractions which have clearly been designed around the car. Perhaps a map in the town centre listing all the stores and their locations around the town would be useful, rather than having visitors think that Ashford doesn't have chains like Argos (branches in Sainsbury's and at Sevington) and M&S (now split into two halves at the designer outlet and the food hall).

The designer outlet attracts shoppers from all over the Southeast and is the largest tented structure in Europe, even eclipsing the O2 arena (formerly the Millennium Dome). Meanwhile the town centre has two shopping centres, these being Park Mall and County Square. Ashford's former John Lewis store has reopened as the Range, but with several big names following Debenhams out of the County Square shopping centre it seems that more needs doing to make the town centre as attractive to big names as out-of-town sites. The loss of Wilko also leaves a large unit empty. The borough council has announced plans to consolidate the town centre by effectively shifting the focus slightly to the south to rejuvenate Bank Street. The jury's out as to whether or not this will prove successful.

For entertainment the town has two cinemas. The larger of these is at Eureka Park and the newer cinema is in Elwick Place. Sensibly, the town centre population is being increased with modern flats along Victoria Way, in Park Street and elsewhere, but is this potential market being used as a lure to businesses? Answers on a postcard!

Ashford also has a modern ten-pin bowling alley, the Stour Centre for sports and swimming, the Julie Rose Stadium and 'Revelation at St Mary's' which stages music concerts and performances at the parish church, with some big names such as Fairport Convention and Creedence Clearwater Revival. Whilst this is a great innovation, residents have routinely expressed a wish for an actual theatre in the town which seems to be an unacknowledged anomaly when Ashford is larger in population than Folkestone, Canterbury and Margate, all of which are well-served theatrically.

Conclusion

This is not the one of the routine 'Ashford bashing' blogs that make local headlines from time to time, but one written by a lifelong resident of the borough who would like to see the town flourish, preferring the slightly tongue in cheek nickname of 'Ash Vegas' to the ubiquitous (and dated) 'Trashford,' which was actually originally used in a headline concerning littering.

The town is likely to be the third largest in Kent (after Maidstone and Gillingham) when the 2021 census data is released. In the 1990s everything from Ashford becoming an economic powerhouse to having its own cable-car system was mooted. Progress has been a long time coming, and now the pieces are again in flux, to paraphrase a former prime minister. A railway museum would also be a huge draw, capitalising on the town's industrial heritage. The town's future sits on a knife-edge. Let's hope our representatives can deliver the goods.

Credits

This page has been put together by Adam Colton, a local author of UK travel and psychological fiction. Please visit the author page on the Amazon website, Smashwords, iBooks, etc. for details of available books. Adam is also one half of the musical duo Adam Colton & Teresa Colton. Check out their songs on YouTube, Spotify, iTunes and other music sites.

This page may omit other aspects of the town which might deserve attention. I am happy to correct any errors and will consider any glaring omissions. For all else, you can always produce your own blog!

School report for Ashford: has potential; just needs more focus.

There is sister-page on this blog about the nearby village of Hamstreet

Hamstreet, Kent - Portrait of a Village

[Transcript of original web page. Last updated Nov 2024]

LATEST NEWS: 

War memorial completed

Footpath from Ashford Road to the Pippins now open

Village has three vacant shop units

Proposals for 140 houses on Cotton Hill being reviewed

New online parish magazine free to view

Introduction to the Village

"Hamstreet is 'interesting' and retains the characteristics of a traditional and proud working village, something that is increasingly rare," - Kent Life Magazine.

This Kentish village is affectionately known as ‘the gateway to the marsh’, being located six miles south of Ashford where the ridge of clay hills meets the flat expanses of Romney Marsh, an area once awash with smuggling. The village was bypassed in 1994, but remains an important junction and is twinned with the little town of Therouanne in France. Therouanne was once a city with a cathedral which was sacked by the troops of Henry V. The stone cannonball near the flagpole in Hamstreet was a gift from the mayor of the twin town, presented with the words 'You can have your cannonball back!' More local history can be perused on the Forge Gardens noticeboard and at the station.

Traditional weather-board buildings and a generally unspoilt appearance make the place well worth a detour from the beaten track. Three long distance footpaths pass through the village; the Royal Military Canal Path follows the peaceful banks of a 28-mile waterway - the UK's third longest defensive structure, and the Saxon Shore Way and Greensand Way pass through the expansive deciduous woodland of Hamstreet Woods. In fact, the Greensand Way begins its 110-mile course to Haslemere at the village crossroads. A walk incorporating both the canal and Hamstreet Woods was featured in the 'Top 50 best summer walks in Britain' in the Independent newspaper. A second area of public woodland is located northwest of the village at Orlestone Forest.

To get a reasonably accurate population for the village as a socio-economic entity, add together the populations of Orlestone and Warehorne, for the boundary runs through Hamstreet itself. This amounts to 1,988 people (2021 census). Orlestone is the original location of the village - now just a hamlet, a mile to the north, centred around the eleventh century parish church of St Mary. The Church of the Good Shepherd is a more modern place of worship in the village's High Street and the ancient church of St Augustine's in Snave also comes under Hamstreet and holds one service annually at harvest festival. The church in Warehorne is dedicated to St Matthew. The area is great to explore on foot or by bike.

Hamstreet's Claims to Fame

H E Bates who wrote 'The Darling Buds of May' would have known the village well, and the writer Joseph Conrad resided at Capel House (one mile north of the village) from June 1910 to March 1919. The modern generation will perhaps be most familiar with the film 'Apocalypse Now' which was heavily influenced by his book 'Heart of Darkness.' In the late 1990s, the village pub was briefly managed by Patrick Murray who played Mickey Pearce in TV's 'Only Fools and Horses.' Many celebrities have lived within the wider local area including Vic Reeves, Bob Mortimer, Paul O'Grady, Noel Coward, Julian Clary, Alan Carr, the actress Jan Francis and international golfer, Peter Mitchell. Hamstreet has also been featured in futuristic writings by Sir Peter Hall and David Boyle. But what of the village itself?

Mountain Farm in Hamstreet once featured in BBC TV's 'Blue Peter' as a base camp for an expedition up the 'Marsh Mountain’. Romney Marsh is of course completely flat, so this humorous concept involved presenters turning a map of the area upside down and crawling along the road!

Hamstreet had its real moment of fame in the early 1990's, with maps of the village appearing on postage stamps all over the UK. John Craven even did a 'Countryfile' special on the village. This was to mark 200 years of the Ordnance Survey. Hamstreet was chosen because the area was the first to be mapped as part of a nationwide survey and the changes to the village over the years showed up very well on a series of stamps.

The village was featured on BBC South East Today's 'On The Map' feature in May 2021. Hamstreet was also on the route of the Tour of Britain cycle race which passed through in September 2006, and the Olympic Torch relay passed through the village en route to London for the 2012 Olympic Games. Search for 'Olympic Torch Hamstreet' on YouTube to view the relay and watch TV clips of the village here.

Business

Until 2013 there were five pubs within three miles of the village cross. At present there are three - the Duke's Head in Hamstreet itself, the Woolpack Inn in Warehorne and the White Horse in Bilsington. The Blue Anchor (Ruckinge) and World's Wonder (Warehorne) have sadly been allowed to disappear.

In the High Street there is a post office / general store, fish and chip shop, the Old Schoolhouse Indian restaurant, a curtain / blind shop, the 'Saw Joinery' DIY/joinery store, Lilly's Ink tattoo studio, the Cosy Kettle cafe, Early Birds renovations and Star Beauty (now in a private house). Two units are currently vacant.

Marsh Road has Annings Motors garage, Smart Dogs grooming centre and Hamstreet Garden Centre which also has a cafe. Hamstreet Primary Academy (the school) is located in Ashford Road.

In Warehorne Road there is a dental clinic and Angela Hirst estate agency. There is currently an empty unit where the hairdresser’s used to be. Travel just out of the village and you'll find a vineyard, the mild climate of this part of Kent being particularly good for wine production.

Meanwhile, Ruckinge Road is the location of Joanne Fuller Beauty and Hamstreet Surgery, as well as the Nexus Programme office. A little further out of the village on Ruckinge Road is Meadow View Industrial Estate which contains several businesses.

Fun and Festivals

The village has a games area/tennis courts and a bowling green, as well as many clubs and associations too numerous to list. These include the Ruckinge and Hamstreet Scouts and Guides (HQ in Ruckinge), the Royal British Legion and the football club. Activities from coffee mornings to Zumba take place around the village at locations such as Victory Hall, Cosy Kettle cafe, primary school and Church of the Good Shepherd (which has its own hall attached). 

The Pound Leas pavilion has its own bar area, augmenting the flood-lit 'multi-use games area' and football field, all of which are the result of many years of fundraising. The Festival of Transport which used to take place every June was featured in a Live TV (satellite) documentary programme in 2009. Sadly this event folded in 2016 but the village does have a community day each summer in its place. There are however regular 'bikejumble' events on the fair field for petrol heads. 

Also look out for posters for Hamstreet bonfire and fireworks on Pound Leas each November (although this won't take place in 2024) and the music festival in Warehorne village hall which usually takes place in July. For those wishing to stay locally, accommodation is available at the Woolpack Inn, a pleasant stroll across fields on the Saxon Shore Way. The sign outside the Dukes Head also displays accommodation. More info from the pub.

Transport facts

As well as daytime bus services to Ashford, New Romney and Lydd (Mon to Sat), Hamstreet has a railway station on the Ashford to Hastings line - one of only two remaining diesel lines in the provincial Southeast. Trains run direct to Eastbourne as well as Ashford for connections to London.

The village is well signed on the A2070 trunk road between Ashford's Southern Orbital Road and Brenzett, and between Aldington and Woodchurch on the B2067. The village used to be signed comprehensively in Tenterden and also from New Romney, Lympne and Appledore Heath. In spite of past campaigns for a return to better signage on grounds of being a junction point on a trunk road and a hub for local services, the village remains signed at the most basic level. Interestingly, there is a memorial at the southern exit for Hamstreet on the A2070 in honour of Liuetenant Johnson, a USA pilot who lost his life here during World War II after allowing his crew to parachute to safety. 

Details of useful cycle routes can be found in the 'Royal Military Canal and Associated Routes' blog, and circular walking routes can be found in the 'Smugglers and Saxon Shore Walks' blog. The A2070 and B2067 also have narrative blogs on this site detailing features along these routes, and the 'Ashford and Shepway Roads Database' blog details routes around the wider area.

Nostalgia 

The house on the corner of Ashford Road and Warehorne Road is believed to be the oldest in the village. It was a bakery until the 1980s, and a post office too until 1970, when a new post office was built at Bridgewell (now a private house in the one-way street). In the 80s the post office moved to the Mace store (now an office), finally settling at its current location in the Morrisons store, which itself was previously an independent store, then VG, Costcutter and McColl's. Hamstreet was briefly graced with a baker's shop again when the Chocoloate Box newsagency closed in 2012. There was a second newsagency (Harden's) located at Old Stores House in The Street until the 1990s.

Prior to use for beauty purposes, the shop at Woodville was an antiques shop, and before this a butcher's store. When the butchery closed in the 1980s, a butcher's counter was positioned at the rear of the VG store (now Morrisons) for a number of years. Villagers had a choice of garages, both with filling stations, at the time too. The second of these, Tippen's, was located where the small housing development between the former Chocolate Box and the church now stands.

Until the 1990s Hamstreet had a police house in Warehorne Road. The Indian restaurant was the original site of Hamstreet School until the current school was built in 1882. Prior to its current use the Old Schoolhouse was an antique shop, a photocopier centre, a tea room and the Masters restaurant.

The shopping area in Warehorne Road housed a greengrocer and a wool shop in the 1980s. It is also believed that when Viaduct Terrace was constructed in the 19th century, there were plans for the southernmost end of the terrace to be a pub. The Duke's Head is in fact a rebuild; the original pub opened its front door directly onto The Street and was originally named 'The George', 'The Three Mariners' and then 'The Duke of Cumberland'. The twin pub of the current Duke's Head was the former Stonebridge Inn at Woodchurch. Hamstreet also had a twin station building, at Winchelsea in East Sussex. 

Meanwhile, the former World's Wonder in Warehorne was one of five Kentish pubs which were built to the same design. The others were the now-bulldozed Ship at Lade (Romney Marsh), the former Bell Inn at Coxheath, The Redstart Inn at Barming and The Papermaker's Arms at Hawley (Dartford).

Hamstreet exchange phone numbers consisted of four figures prior to standardisation of the 01233 Ashford area code. The telephone exchange is still located next to the railway station. The old exchange is located at the top of a flight of steps to the south of the railway bridge in Ashford Road.

Development names for recent estates were Orchard View (Bankside), Saxon Woods (Lancaster Close), Brook Gate (Orlestone View), The Pippins (Ingoldsby Lane, etc.) and Nightingale View (Brimstone Road, etc.).

Campaigning

There are three vacant shop units in the village centre which the creator of this blog hopes will be filled to keep the village centre buoyant.

Two large new housing developments are being completed, with a third very prominent development being considered. The focus on expensive four and five-bedroom houses within new developments has been an issue, while the further fragmenting of the village across a third parish would see most of the benefits of extra council tax going to neighbouring villages rather than Hamstreet. It would make sense for any new developments to be entirely within the parish of Orlestone to create cohesion.

In 2008 Pumpkin TV produced a DVD for geography students which used Hamstreet as a case study for challenges that affect many English villages. It has sometimes been very frustrating to see a minority fighting plans for new business when so many outlets have been lost over the years. Beginning in the late 1990s the author of this site has attempted to challenge the status quo. 

This began by escalating complaints when the village's railway station ticket office was closed for a period of over six months in the late 1990s, and continued with expressing support for the Indian restaurant to be allowed to provide a takeaway service, for the doctor's surgery to expand, for a fish and chip shop to be allowed, for a new cafe to be allowed and for changes to the Woolpack Inn which ultimately enabled this popular pub to reopen in 2015. A plan to upgrade the canal towpath as a proposed cycle link between Hamstreet and Appledore has sadly gone quiet in recent years.

The truth is that one person cannot change a village, and I would personally encourage villagers to use the 'search' and 'comment' facility on Ashford Borough Council's planning website to support new amenities and object to further losses of business space whenever such proposals arise. I hope that the quote from 'Kent Life' magazine which began this post will be as true in years to come as it is at the time of writing.

Credits and links

This page has been put together by Adam Colton, a local author of UK travel, music reviews and psychological fiction. Please visit the author page on the Amazon website, Smashwords, iBooks, etc. for details of available books. Adam is also one half of the musical duo Adam Colton & Teresa Colton. Check out their songs on YouTube, Spotify, iTunes and other music sites. Also, please search for the names of any of the businesses, clubs, amenities or venues mentioned on this page that aren't listed below.

The twin village of Therouanne (link here) in France. 

Hamstreet Woods national nature reserve

BBC news report on the 2012 Olympic Torch relay here

Old Schoolhouse Indian Restaurant (The Street)

Early Birds Renovations (The Street)

Star Beauty School (The Street)

Morrisons Store (The Street)

Annings Race & Restoration (Marsh Road)

Dog grooming centre (Marsh Road)

Hamstreet Garden Centre (Marsh Road)

Joanne Fuller Beauty  (Ruckinge Road)

Nexus Programme Office (Ruckinge Road)

Doctor’s surgery (Ruckinge Road) 

Dental Clinic (Warehorne Road)

Angela Hirst Estate Agency (Warehorne Road)

Hamstreet Wines (Warehorne Road)

Warehorne Vineyard (Warehorne Road)

School (Ashford Road)

White Horse (Bilsington)

Woolpack Inn (Warehorne)

Scout and Guide Associations (shared with Ruckinge)

The Victory Hall committee

Link to 'bikejumble' events 

Visit by Train Website

The parish council's site is here

Hamstreet, Villagenet

Hamstreet Pictorial History

There is now a sister-page on this blog about the nearest town of Ashford

Adam's Music Reviews #7 - Alternative Christmas Songs

It's December and the airwaves are awash with Slade, Wizard, etc. In fact I only need to name the artists and you'll know exactly what songs I'm referring to. Nice as many of these tracks are, this a blog for those who fancy a festive change from the norm. Scouring my music collection I've tried to find all the Christmas songs that you won't hear played on the radio. Let's begin, as all music lists should, with the Beatles.

The Beatles – Christmas Time Is Here Again (1967 / 1995)

This was just a recurring jingle on one of the group's annual Christmas discs for fans, but it was nicely edited into a full-length track as a B-side on the 'Free As A Bird' single released in 1995. The lyrics are somewhat minimalist and Paul McCartney would revive the 'O-U-T spells out' motif on his 2013 track 'Queenie Eye.' I wonder if there was a wry comment on the 'bigger than Jesus' furore in the line 'Been around since you know when...' Who knows. The track ends with John Lennon putting on his best Scottish accent for an atmospheric little bit of nonsense.

The Sensational Alex Harvey Band – There's No Lights On The Christmas Tree, Mother... (1972)

...They're Burning Big Louie Tonight. That's the punchline folks. Yes, this is a Christmassy tale about a man being arrested and sentenced to death by electric chair, consequently shorting out the electricity and prompting the singer to observe that the Christmas tree lights are off. Alex Harvey was a distinctive performer from Scotland with a superb bunch of musicians, often employing risque lyrics, but occasionally there was a moral message, such as regarding protecting the environment. Any DJ willing to play this gets a Victoria Cross for bravery.

Wings – Rudolph the Red Nosed Reggae (1979)

This one's safe. It's a quirky instrumental rendition of the traditional favourite, which appears as a bonus track on the album 'Back To The Egg.' Harmless fun which started off as the B-side to the much more often played 'Wonderful Christmastime.'

Paul Simon – Getting Ready For Christmas Day (2011)

The opening track to Paul Simon's album 'So Beautiful Or So What?' An unusual rhythmic track with something resembling gospel chanting in the background. Paul Simon was no stranger to Christmas songs, especially when teamed up with Art Garfunkel. Guess who's next...

Simon and Garfunkel – 7 O'Clock News / Silent Night (1966)

The duo sing the traditional favourite with just a piano accompaniment as reality breaks in in the form of a particularly nasty edition of the 7 o'clock news. The juxtaposition seems to say something about the essentially fantastical nature of believing in peace on earth for a single day of the year. It's the only Christmas song I know with brutal murders in it. Simon and Garfunkel did record the odd Christmas song straight however, such as Star Carol, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and Go, Tell It On The Mountain. All are worth checking out.

The Who – Christmas (1969)

Another dark Christmas song. This one was part of The Who's rock opera, Tommy, contrasting the Christmas that most children have with the severely limited experience that the deaf, dumb and blind central character has. 'How can he be saved, from the eternal grave?' Harsh stuff, hey?

Chas & Dave - Long, Long Ago (1986)

Just when you're thinking 'Where's the warm Christmassy glow in this lot?' along come Chas & Dave to fill the void. I remember my sister coming home from primary school having learned this as a carol. The teachers must have been pretty quick off the mark to have snapped this yuletide classic up at the time. The Cockney lads eulogise 'Winds through the olive trees softly did blow' while accompanied by a brass band. The B-side of Silent Night is also very nice and there's no seven o'clock news this time! It just goes to show that the pair of Londoners could be serious, although this is as rare as Christmas in February. talking of which...

Lou Reed – Xmas In February (1989)

Venturing across to the dark side again, this one is from Lou Reed's album New York, essentially about the lack of work prospects making army life seem appealing, and the consequent rescheduling of Christmas when you're busy with the 'kill or be killed' stuff on December 25^th.

Roy Orbison – Pretty Paper (1963)

Roy Orbison is in country mode while exploring the often visited theme of being lonely at Christmas. The song seems to reference homelessness in the second verse, so it could even be a socially conscious Christmas song. Right, wipe that tear away, we're going 'punk' next.

Eels – Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas (1998)

The B-side to the wonderfully festive 'Cancer For The Cure' is actually a fairly straight Christmas song in a slightly 'punk' style. 'Baby Jesus, born to rock.' Er... enough said!

Monty Python – Christmas In Heaven (1983)

Of course it's not serious! This was the musical finale to the comedy group's film 'The Meaning Of Life.' Really it seemed to be satirising the stereotypical 'American' idea of what both Christmas and Heaven should be like.

Joni Mitchell - River (1971)

This occasionally gets a play on BBC Radio 2 but I'm including it as it isn't as well known as it should be. It opens with the notes of Jingle Bells on the piano in an uncharacteristically melancholy fashion before Joni begins the sad tale which is a similar theme to Pretty Paper, being that of the bustle of Christmas going on around a lonely person who wants it all to just go away.

Eric Bogle – Santa Bloody Claus (1993)

Another satirical one. Eric Bogle is a writer of poignant folk songs, but he occasionally lets his hair down with a number like this. It's a little bit rude and I'm not sure if he was trying to compete with Kevin Bloody Wilson here, in which case Mr Bogle's song will seem positively tame.

Bob Dylan – Must Be Santa (2009)

This is a bit of a cheat as it actually does get regular airplay at Christmas on BBC Radio 2, but the sheer brilliance of Bob Dylan doing a traditional Christmas album with a voice that has been completely ravaged has to be lauded. This is perhaps the standout track on 'Christmas In The Heart' but in this house the entire CD gets a spin every Christmas. Bob makes this Christmas favourite his own by listing the names of recent USA presidents among the reindeer. Was he being subversive? Oh, I do hope so!

Pink Floyd – Roger's Boogie (1968 / 2016)

A track that lay in the vault until the release of the band's megalithic box set 'The Early Years.' This is clearly an attempt at a Christmas song with a lyric about Gabriel coming to the stable, and even in the 'anything goes' psychedelic era that it was recorded, I would still say that it's something of an oddity in the Floydian catalogue.

Bob Dylan – Winterlude (1970)

Not a Christmas song per se, but every bit as seasonal as 'Baby, It's Cold Outside,' 'The Power Of Love' and 'Stay Another Day.' Here the legend that is Robert Allen Zimmerman uses the good old fashioned theme of engaging in romantic pursuits while the weather outside is frightful.

Adam Colton & Teresa Colton - Make A Fat Cat Fatter This Christmas (2015)

'Who?' Come on, this should be a Christmas number one! We're a mother and son folk duo and this is a satirical song about Christmas commercialisation. Legendary DJ Dave Cash gave it a spin on BBC Radio Kent and so should you. And just in case you think we're being too irreverent my mother's two self-penned carols 'Shepherd Boy Carol' and 'Whisper In The Wind' should prove otherwise. All are on the album Mixed Messages.

So now the bit you've waited for - if you want to listen to them here's the playlist. Bob Dylan's record company seem to want to hide 'Winterlude' so the list is one track down. As the onion seller always says, that's shallot!

STOP PRESS: The musical musings and humour continue in '2021: A Musical Odyssey' - now available in digital and paperback formats.