Adam's Music Reviews #7 - Alternative Christmas Songs

It's December and the airwaves are awash with Slade, Wizard, etc. In fact I only need to name the artists and you'll know exactly what songs I'm referring to. Nice as many of these tracks are, this a blog for those who fancy a festive change from the norm. Scouring my music collection I've tried to find all the Christmas songs that you won't hear played on the radio. Let's begin, as all music lists should, with the Beatles.

The Beatles – Christmas Time Is Here Again (1967 / 1995)

This was just a recurring jingle on one of the group's annual Christmas discs for fans, but it was nicely edited into a full-length track as a B-side on the 'Free As A Bird' single released in 1995. The lyrics are somewhat minimalist and Paul McCartney would revive the 'O-U-T spells out' motif on his 2013 track 'Queenie Eye.' I wonder if there was a wry comment on the 'bigger than Jesus' furore in the line 'Been around since you know when...' Who knows. The track ends with John Lennon putting on his best Scottish accent for an atmospheric little bit of nonsense.

The Sensational Alex Harvey Band – There's No Lights On The Christmas Tree, Mother... (1972)

...They're Burning Big Louie Tonight. That's the punchline folks. Yes, this is a Christmassy tale about a man being arrested and sentenced to death by electric chair, consequently shorting out the electricity and prompting the singer to observe that the Christmas tree lights are off. Alex Harvey was a distinctive performer from Scotland with a superb bunch of musicians, often employing risque lyrics, but occasionally there was a moral message, such as regarding protecting the environment. Any DJ willing to play this gets a Victoria Cross for bravery.

Wings – Rudolph the Red Nosed Reggae (1979)

This one's safe. It's a quirky instrumental rendition of the traditional favourite, which appears as a bonus track on the album 'Back To The Egg.' Harmless fun which started off as the B-side to the much more often played 'Wonderful Christmastime.'

Paul Simon – Getting Ready For Christmas Day (2011)

The opening track to Paul Simon's album 'So Beautiful Or So What?' An unusual rhythmic track with something resembling gospel chanting in the background. Paul Simon was no stranger to Christmas songs, especially when teamed up with Art Garfunkel. Guess who's next...

Simon and Garfunkel – 7 O'Clock News / Silent Night (1966)

The duo sing the traditional favourite with just a piano accompaniment as reality breaks in in the form of a particularly nasty edition of the 7 o'clock news. The juxtaposition seems to say something about the essentially fantastical nature of believing in peace on earth for a single day of the year. It's the only Christmas song I know with brutal murders in it. Simon and Garfunkel did record the odd Christmas song straight however, such as Star Carol, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and Go, Tell It On The Mountain. All are worth checking out.

The Who – Christmas (1969)

Another dark Christmas song. This one was part of The Who's rock opera, Tommy, contrasting the Christmas that most children have with the severely limited experience that the deaf, dumb and blind central character has. 'How can he be saved, from the eternal grave?' Harsh stuff, hey?

Chas & Dave - Long, Long Ago (1986)

Just when you're thinking 'Where's the warm Christmassy glow in this lot?' along come Chas & Dave to fill the void. I remember my sister coming home from primary school having learned this as a carol. The teachers must have been pretty quick off the mark to have snapped this yuletide classic up at the time. The Cockney lads eulogise 'Winds through the olive trees softly did blow' while accompanied by a brass band. The B-side of Silent Night is also very nice and there's no seven o'clock news this time! It just goes to show that the pair of Londoners could be serious, although this is as rare as Christmas in February. talking of which...

Lou Reed – Xmas In February (1989)

Venturing across to the dark side again, this one is from Lou Reed's album New York, essentially about the lack of work prospects making army life seem appealing, and the consequent rescheduling of Christmas when you're busy with the 'kill or be killed' stuff on December 25^th.

Roy Orbison – Pretty Paper (1963)

Roy Orbison is in country mode while exploring the often visited theme of being lonely at Christmas. The song seems to reference homelessness in the second verse, so it could even be a socially conscious Christmas song. Right, wipe that tear away, we're going 'punk' next.

Eels – Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas (1998)

The B-side to the wonderfully festive 'Cancer For The Cure' is actually a fairly straight Christmas song in a slightly 'punk' style. 'Baby Jesus, born to rock.' Er... enough said!

Monty Python – Christmas In Heaven (1983)

Of course it's not serious! This was the musical finale to the comedy group's film 'The Meaning Of Life.' Really it seemed to be satirising the stereotypical 'American' idea of what both Christmas and Heaven should be like.

Joni Mitchell - River (1971)

This occasionally gets a play on BBC Radio 2 but I'm including it as it isn't as well known as it should be. It opens with the notes of Jingle Bells on the piano in an uncharacteristically melancholy fashion before Joni begins the sad tale which is a similar theme to Pretty Paper, being that of the bustle of Christmas going on around a lonely person who wants it all to just go away.

Eric Bogle – Santa Bloody Claus (1993)

Another satirical one. Eric Bogle is a writer of poignant folk songs, but he occasionally lets his hair down with a number like this. It's a little bit rude and I'm not sure if he was trying to compete with Kevin Bloody Wilson here, in which case Mr Bogle's song will seem positively tame.

Bob Dylan – Must Be Santa (2009)

This is a bit of a cheat as it actually does get regular airplay at Christmas on BBC Radio 2, but the sheer brilliance of Bob Dylan doing a traditional Christmas album with a voice that has been completely ravaged has to be lauded. This is perhaps the standout track on 'Christmas In The Heart' but in this house the entire CD gets a spin every Christmas. Bob makes this Christmas favourite his own by listing the names of recent USA presidents among the reindeer. Was he being subversive? Oh, I do hope so!

Pink Floyd – Roger's Boogie (1968 / 2016)

A track that lay in the vault until the release of the band's megalithic box set 'The Early Years.' This is clearly an attempt at a Christmas song with a lyric about Gabriel coming to the stable, and even in the 'anything goes' psychedelic era that it was recorded, I would still say that it's something of an oddity in the Floydian catalogue.

Bob Dylan – Winterlude (1970)

Not a Christmas song per se, but every bit as seasonal as 'Baby, It's Cold Outside,' 'The Power Of Love' and 'Stay Another Day.' Here the legend that is Robert Allen Zimmerman uses the good old fashioned theme of engaging in romantic pursuits while the weather outside is frightful.

Adam Colton & Teresa Colton - Make A Fat Cat Fatter This Christmas (2015)

'Who?' Come on, this should be a Christmas number one! We're a mother and son folk duo and this is a satirical song about Christmas commercialisation. Legendary DJ Dave Cash gave it a spin on BBC Radio Kent and so should you. And just in case you think we're being too irreverent my mother's two self-penned carols 'Shepherd Boy Carol' and 'Whisper In The Wind' should prove otherwise. All are on the album Mixed Messages.

So now the bit you've waited for - if you want to listen to them here's the playlist. Bob Dylan's record company seem to want to hide 'Winterlude' so the list is one track down. As the onion seller always says, that's shallot!

STOP PRESS: The musical musings and humour continue in '2021: A Musical Odyssey' - now available in digital and paperback formats.

Adam's Music Reviews #6 (Dec 2020)

It was while walking to the car one day that I realised that programmers are missing a great opportunity to create a game called 'Social Distancing.' The character walks relentlessly down an alley as people come towards him at various positions along the path. The gamer has to move the character left or right on the path to maintain two metres distance. There could be a second round set in the aisle of a supermarket with the added interest of trolleys and prams being used as battering rams!

Er... That said, yes, here we are, still in tier three in Kent, which is about as exciting as watching emulsion go from a liquid state to a solid state. Thank goodness for music. And beer! So here I am with another batch of albums that I've blasted my way through since my last post, occasionally getting up to join in on the guitar or the keyboard on my way to the fridge. People of the future, this is what 'hedonism' meant in 2020...

Blur - Parklife (1994)

I remember my sister wanting this album on in the car on a family holiday to Lancashire in the nineties and finding it irritating. Like Liam Gallagher, who compared Blur to Chas & Dave (who I actually like), I had dismissed the band prematurely based on an accent. Schoolboy error. This album has far more than the singalong anthems of 'Girls and Boys' and 'Parklife.' There's some punky stuff in the form of 'Bank Holiday,' a Syd Barrett pastiche called 'Far Out,' and the album's highlight in my opinion, 'This Is A Low,' an anthem that the Oasis boys would have surely been proud of.

Blur - The Great Escape (1995)

Critics panned this album and declared Oasis the winners of the Britpop war at the time, but in hindsight this was unfair, especially knowing now that Blur went headlong into avant-garde territory with their next two albums. They were no 'one trick pony.' This one has a similar structure to Parklife with some anthems like 'The Universal,' which sees the band emulating the gang of thugs in 'A Clockwork Orange' in the video, as well as the odd punk blast, and the National Lottery themed anthem 'It Could Be You.' However, in spite of the great melodies and harmonies, there is a darker feel to this album than Parklife, from the jaded guest vocal from Ken Livingstone on 'Ernold Same' to the resigned sadness of 'Best Days.' If your mood needs picking up again at the end, simply replay the openers, 'Stereotypes' and 'Country House.'

Hawkwind - Levitation (1980)

This album is Hawkwind at a junction point, returning to a certain extent to the space rock and psychedelia of their early years. The rock anthems like Motorway City, Levitation and Who's Gonna Win The War are broken up with ethereal instrumental music. The bonus tracks go much deeper into experimental territory, particularly the completely bonkers 'Douglas in the Jungle.' 'Valium 10' is also good fun (not taking it, listening to it, I hasten to add), and the live rendition of Brainstorm gives an oldie of theirs a twist, opening with a jazzy drum solo. (Review refers to disc one of the three-CD set.)

The Beatles - Abbey Road (1969)

It does seem that no matter what new music and genres I discover, the Beatles always get a regular airing. There were perhaps more adept musicians around in the sixties, but there is something legendary about the combination of the four of them with George Martin, the only contender for the epithet 'fifth Beatle' in my opinion, as he literally made the impossible possible. Perhaps it is partly the way four working class lads conquered the world and partly the 'love and peace' ethos, sadly lost in the era of Trumpism and hate masquerading as political views. Visit the Cavern Club in Liverpool and you'll find it still alive. Anyway, Abbey Road, what can I say? Classic follows classic, and there is Paul's symphonic finish which even Elbow couldn't touch with their rendition of Golden Slumbers a little while back. One of my favourites is 'I Want You (She's So Heavy)' which sees the foursome simultaneously dabbling in jazz, lyrical minimalism and heavy rock. I rest my case!

Photo: Myself on the famous zebra crossing in 2011.

The Beatles – A Hard Day's Night (1964)

One from the earlier years of the Beatles. Young and innocent days? Well, not really, and I get the impression that John Lennon in particular hated the manufactured image. Anyway, the music holds up. My favourites are not the big hits but the more introspective songs, particularly 'If I Fell' and 'Things We Said Today.' That said, the rock and roll of 'You Can't Do That' is tremendous, with Ringo pushing the cowbell into overtime. When you think that this was hastily assembled as a soundtrack, you realise that the Beatles could just churn out quality at the drop of a hat! Other favourites of mine from the early years are 'I'll Follow The Sun,' 'Anna (Go To Him),' 'Baby, It's You,' 'Yes It Is' and 'This Boy' which all have a surprisingly melancholic quality for such successful young men.

Oasis – Definitely Maybe (1994)

Often the first album released by an artist has a vibrancy that the other albums don't quite have. Examples in my opinion go from John Lennon's first proper solo album 'Plastic Ono Band' to Travis's 'Good Feeling.' I sometimes put this down to not having the comforts of money and fame, but I've already undone my own argument with the 'John Lennon' example as he'd had a good six years of both by then and appeared thoroughly sick of it! So, Oasis. When this album came out the band literally were an oasis in the desert of dance tracks that filled the charts. Guitars were back in and I let out a 'Hallelujah.' Favourites of mine are the psychedelic blues of 'Shakermaker,' the brooding mantra-like 'Columbia' and the epic 'Slide Away,' announced by its memorable opening guitar note. There's even room for a bit of comedy with 'Digsy's Dinner' and 'Married With Children.' People said they were the new Beatles at the time, although the influence wasn't blatantly obvious until the release of 'Whatever.'

I've also added a new Miles Davis album to my collection recently, a mix of ethereal ambiance and eighties lounge jazz called 'Aura.' However, after only a handful of listens I don't feel qualified to review it yet. I'll be back with another batch soon, and again, and again, and again, until the poxy pubs are open! Please Boris, we're climbing up the walls here. And that's a Radiohead reference to finish. Another time...

STOP PRESS: The musical musings and humour continue in '2021: A Musical Odyssey' - now available in digital and paperback formats.

Adam's Music Reviews #5 (Nov 2020)

This particular post is being written while my home county of Kent has been plunged into 'tier three' coronavirus restrictions (basically a lockdown under another name). Cue the puns – it'll all end in tiers, three is the tragic number, etc. I was thinking what it must mean to be a hedonist in this situation – do you go all-out and make a cup of tea, or have a bit of a kip, or look out of the window, or really go to town and get a biscuit from the kitchen cupboard? It's life, but not as we know it!

Anyway, while sitting on the sofa drinking a glass of wine and listening to Pink Floyd I realised that we are at last living the lifestyle proposed by BBC Radio 4's Desert Island Discs programme. Let's face it, it's either that or The Matrix, and the 'desert island' scenario seems much more pleasant than floating in a sac of liquid wired up to a parasitic computer. Yes, we are pretty much on our own with just music for company, so what would one choose? Well, I've done my ultimate Desert Island Discs a couple of times before, so I thought 'How about writing about the albums I have listened to in their entirety over the past fortnight?' Like or not, I'm doing it, so here goes!

John Coltrane – My Favourite Things (1961)

Jazz is a genre I only really got into a couple of years ago. 'Kind of Blue' by Miles Davis featured highly in my book of 'The All-Time Top 1000 Albums' so I thought I'd give it a bash. Since then it has opened up new vistas, although I tend to like the 'cool jazz' era and then skip the post-bop era and pick up again with fusion. If I'm talking a foreign language, it was all Greek to me too until a couple of years ago. Anyway, this is an album for those who like to hear tunes they recognise played in an improvisational way. Coltrane's saxophone playing is superb and occasionally bordering on frenzied and the piano breaks are also pretty amazing.

Tears For Fears – The Hurting (1983)

When I was a child in the eighties I was not a fan of the 'current' bands, despising what I viewed as excessive use of synthesizers and much preferring the 'real instruments' of the sixties. However, with the passing of forty years, the bands of the era seem worth reappraising and this album is a gem. Like U2's 'The Joshua Tree,' the first half of the album is so strong that the second half tends to get passed over. 'Mad World' is a classic, even if you only know the Gary Jules' 'Christmas number one' version, but there are plenty of other angst-ridden atmospheric pieces here including 'The Hurting,' 'Pale Shelter' and 'Ideas as Opiates' which could be an anthem for our age – 'Lies spread on lies, we don't care.' Trump, anybody?

Tears For Fears – Songs From The Big Chair (1984)

Tears for Fears again, yes, but this is an album I've had much longer, initially because 'Shout' was such a good song. The other two hits 'Everybody Wants To Rule The World' and 'Head Over Heels' appeal next, but then one gets into the more ethereal stuff and you realise that Tears for Fears were not really an eighties pop band (like Duran Duran, etc.) but more akin to bands like Pink Floyd in what they were trying to achieve. Talking of which...

Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here (1975)

Although I have professed 'The Dark Side of the Moon' to be my favourite album in both of my 'Desert Island Discs' blogs, this is the one I tend to go to for instant Floydian gratification. 'Shine On You Crazy Diamond' is a symphony in two halves with some of Dave Gilmour's bluesiest soloing. The keyboard work by Richard Wright reminds me a bit of Procol Harum at times. Every song on the album is an out and out classic. Enough said.

The photograph depicts my visit to Grantchester Meadows in Cambridge, surely the 'Penny Lane' of the Pink Floyd world?

Pink Floyd – Meddle (1971)

OK, I've been having a bit of a Pink Floyd week. There is the side-long epic 'Echoes' (remember 'sides?') and five very pleasant tracks to boot. This is Pink Floyd at the nearest they ever got to 'easy listening,' with 'A Pillow of Winds,' 'Fearless' which has an added surprise for Liverpool fans, the vaudevillian 'San Tropez' and finally 'Seamus where the band let a canine take the vocals. If you don't believe it's a dog watch 'Live in Pompeii.' There's also the Doctor-Who-like 'One Of These Days (I'm going to cut you into little pieces)' – lockdown fever in action! As a footnote, I'm actually sure that I had this album as a 'hand me down' vinyl record as a child, although it was a bit tough for a ten-year-old to appreciate admittedly.

Barclay James Harvest – Barclay James Harvest (1970)

'Who?' I hear you say. Well, in truth BJH were bigger in Germany than in their native England. They were also the only band I know that had their own touring orchestra, as evident on this, their debut album. The album takes in a variety of styles from the rock of 'Taking Some Time On' and 'Good Love Child' to the balladry of 'Mother Dear.' I particularly like the orchestrations and plodding bass of 'When The World Was Woken,' and the the closing track 'Dark Now My Sky' is a symphonic masterpiece. Eccentric, yes, but superb!

Barclay James Harvest – Once Again (1971)

OK, OK, I've had a bit of Barclay James Harvest week too. What do you expect in lockdown - imagination? This was the band's second album and another bona fide classic, although lyrically pretty dark with a slightly unhealthy fixation on shuffling off this mortal coil, 'Happy Old World' being the most obvious example. It always seems a bit excessive to use a mellotron when you have an orchestra, as a mellotron was a keyboard instrument playing recorded loops of orchestra notes, but that's exactly what BJH did here to excellent effect. To break up the drama there is the lighter 'Vanessa Simmons' and the rock blast of 'Ball and Chain.' There's even a Jew's harp on the final track, but the show-stopper is 'Mocking Bird' which builds from a quiet ballad into frenetic rock before exploding into two of the most dramatic orchestral chords you'll ever hear in a rock song. If You like Pink Floyd, you'll like BJH.

Blonde on Blonde – Bob Dylan (1966)

In the 'Desert Island Discs' blogs I cited 'Bringing It All Back Home' as my favourite Bob Dylan album, although in reality it is so hard to choose with so much quality. This one was arguably the first double-album released by a rock act, the other one possibly being Frank Zappa's 'Freak Out.' Either way the contents are terrific, with bluesy tracks such as 'Pledging My Time' and 'Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat' interspersed among folky classics like 'Just Like A Woman.' There's a humorous poke at the Beatles' 'Norwegian Wood' with 'Fourth Time Around,' although in truth the flow of influence was mutual. And finally, 'Say Eyed Lady of the Lowlands' – an eleven-minute epic with Dylan at his most poetic.

Standing on the Shoulder of Giants - Oasis (2000)

This is often viewed as the album where the legend imploded and I was formerly of that opinion. However, a listen twenty years later reveals that we were all wrong. Admittedly, the expletively-titled opening track leaves you wondering what kind of ride you're in for, but the content is actually surprisingly good. 'Go Let It Out' perhaps sums up our feelings in these times, 'Is it any wonder that princes and kings, Are clowns that caper in the sawdust rings?' The album has a darker brooding feel than most Oasis albums and the final track 'Roll It Over' is sublime, but for me the high point it when Noel launches into the guitar solo on 'Sunday Morning Call.'

Tonight -David Bowie (1984)

Certainly not an album that springs to mind as classic Bowie, in fact initially I thought 'What on earth has happened to him?' However repeated listens make it more palatable and you can even overlook the eighties instrumentation. 'Loving the Alien' is actually a very good song, and it's quite novel to hear him having a go at reggae as well as covering a Beach Boys classic, a feat few would attempt. Most of the songs were written by Iggy Pop, but eventually you do appreciate this as much as Let's Dance although 'Ziggy Stardust' it ain't! After this one fast forward to the furious rock of Tin Machine.

Well, that's nine albums that I've played in the last week or so. I could well be back with another set in ten days or so. A few singles I've played a lot in the last week include 'A Forest' by The Cure, David Bowie's 'Absolute Beginners' (make sure you get the full length version) and 'Someday My Prince Will Come' by Miles Davis (available as a nine-minute single track download album if you're not ready for the whole album).

And bearing in mind the kind of music I listen to, if you'd like to see any well-known albums reviewed feel free to post your suggestions in the comments. Keep spinning those decks!

STOP PRESS: The musical musings and humour continue in '2021: A Musical Odyssey' - now available in digital and paperback formats.

Desert Island Discs - Classical [Adam's Music Reviews #4]

I've had a go at this 'Desert Island Discs' lark a couple of times. Generally these posts of mine have had a bent towards classic rock, so I thought I'd have a go at my top classical pieces this time. The musical musings and humour continue in '2021: A Musical Odyssey' - now available in digital and paperback formats.

12) Tchaikovsky - Sleeping Beauty, Act 1: Pas D'Action

We open with a bit of drama. Tchaikovsky couldn't help but be melodic even at his most dramatic. This was a kind of a shoo-in because eleven was a weird number to have in a list. Upon listening again it seems criminal to place it in such a lowly position!

11) Wagner - Prelude to Tristan and Isolde

I first encountered this piece when watching Lars Von Trier's film 'Melancholia.' It has a romantic feel that builds interminably (similar to Ravel's Bolero which would be my 'number 13'), but perhaps like my number one choice, there is a sense of impending darkness beneath.

10) Mascagni - Intermezzo from Cavaleria Rusticana

We begin our top ten with a short three-and-a-half-minute piece which has a bitter-sweet quality about it - a kind of peacefulness coupled with a resigned sadness. I always imagine this as a great funeral piece, with the final notes drifting away as the curtain closes on somebody's life. Less dramatic types will remember it as the music from an advert that I can't quite recall!

9) Holst - The Planets

Yes, it's commercial, but who cares? The most famous movements are the dramatic war theme of Mars and the 'jollity' of Jupiter, which should bring to mind a little bit of pride (in an inclusive way of course) to all British folk. As the suite progresses and we reach the mysterious distant planets the pieces become more surreal. As an aside, for a true sense of the distance we are dealing with, the scale model of the solar system at Otford in Kent is well worth a visit.

8) Bach -Tocata and Fugue in D minor

Originally composed for a harpsichord, this piece is much better known as an organ piece, routinely heard at Halloween. From the dramatic opening to the virtuoso gymnastics (IMO) on the keys, the piece regularly interjects the dramatic long chords that we know and love. Bach's 'Air on the G String; is a close second for me, as well as for those with a penchant for cigars!

7) Beethoven - Symphony No 3 (Eroica)

This one opens with the famous melodic first movement (I prefer the full 17-minute version), which I once dubbed over a video I made of a country drive through Kent, thus it will forever bring to mind the B2067 for me! This is followed by a dramatic funeral march, a light third movement and a rousing finale. Initially composed to honour Napoleon, Beethoven changed his mind as the leader's lust for power became apparent. The 5th, 6th and 9th symphonies are also pretty essential.

6) Mozart - Piano Concerto No. 21 in C

The whole piece is very pleasant with plenty of contrasting moods, but it is the middle movement that steals the show with its sense of contentment and just a touch of decadence. I first took notice of this piece when I heard it at a friend's wedding, previously having known it as 'the music from the Yardley advert.' These days it almost makes my top five.

5) Rossini - The Thieving Magpie Overture

It is hard for me to disentangle this piece from the scenes of 'ultra-violence' in Stanley Kubrick's 'A Clockwork Orange,' but for me this only adds to the drama when hearing it. Following the opening drum roll, this is predominantly a cheerful melodic piece which repeatedly builds to a crescendo of dramatic full-orchestra chords, each time dying away, until the finale whips up the pace into a fitting conclusion. Ten minutes of good fun!

4) Beethoven - Piano Sonata No 14 (Moonlight)

The piece begins with the famous moody section during which it is easy to imagine moonlight reflecting on a lake with all its drama kept safely beneath. The middle section is a cheerful little ditty, before the finale repeats the melody of the first movement but this time at speed, with a sense of triumph but always with the brooding feel trying to break through.

3) Rossini - William Tell Overture

I am not familiar with the legend of William Tell beyond 'arrows and apples' but this is not necessary to appreciate this twelve-minute piece which seems to take us through the entire gamut of human emotions. It begins with a resigned sadness and builds to a storm-like passage of anger and turmoil which then gives way to a relaxed section which feels a bit like the sun coming out after the rain has passed. Then comes the triumphant finale which everybody will recognise and what seems like one of the longest and most dramatic conclusions you'll encounter - you can hear the end coming about a minute before it does!

2) Gershwin - Piano Concerto in F

The version I have features Daniel Blumenthal on piano, and with Rhapsody in Blue and An American in Paris, this may have even been the first classical album I appreciated, having plenty of time on my hands to listen to vinyl during short days at college. 'Piano concerto in F' always returns fatalistically to the same dramatic orchestral chord, with variations that include the bluesy second movement and a high-speed summary of all that went before in the third movement. A sense of the bustling positivity of the 1920s seems to crop up several times throughout the piece. It was the pop music of its day and much more besides.

1) Tchaikovsky - Romeo and Juliet

Sit back and enjoy twenty minutes of dramatic bliss. The piece begins slowly with a fatalistic feel, presaging the story's ultimate destiny. The romantic theme has graced many a film and TV programme, perhaps to the point of becoming a cliche, but heard in its context with the turmoil of the feuding Capulets and Montagues seeming to butt in on the romantic vibes, the piece becomes much more interesting. The romantic theme reasserts itself only to collapse into an almost funereal finale with a sense of resigned defeat. You'll struggle to find a more impassioned piece of music. For more Tchaikovsky I'm assuming you know the ballets inside out, so have a bash at symphonies number 4 and 6 for a glimpse into the man's tumultuous mind!

Like all music, classical music is a very subjective thing and I'm sure you'll have your own favourites and recommendations.

The Peddars Way and Norfolk - a Cycling Perambulation

It was a drizzly Sunday in late July when I set off from Kent to Thetford in Norfolk where the forecast looked decidedly better. I normally use the train to reach my cycling destinations, but in the interest of social distancing my ancient Ford Focus got its chance to show what it can do!

The scenery was quite interesting as I approached Thetford on the A11, with a 127-foot war memorial column and scattered bits of forest. I parked in a free car park (rare as hen's teeth, as I believe the saying goes) and cycled into the town centre, settling upon a Greene King pub where I had to text a number to sign in. Outside there was a statue of Thomas Paine, known as the Father of the American Revolution, with his quotations etched around the plinth. I generally agreed with all of these, although some patriotic young people passing by loudly expressed an opinion that the statue shouldn't be there. Dad's Army was filmed in Thetford too, doubling as Walmington-on-Sea in spite of being over forty miles from the sea. After Norwich, Great Yarmouth and King's Lynn, Thetford is Norfolk's fourth largest town.

I cycled eastward on a cycle path and then an undulating lane as it got dusky. There was a strong smell of peaches, and I turned left onto the Peddars Way path which follows the route of the ancient Roman road for 46 miles to the North Norfolk coast. It is believed that the Romans merely straightened out a much older trackway that was an extension of the Greater Ridgeway. I set up camp at the edge of a small wood, eating bread, fish and cheese before sleeping.

I was awake as it got light, and once it was clear that I wasn't going to fall asleep again I packed away and tried to pump my bike tyre up, but I couldn't attach the pump, so I had to ride all the way back to Thetford on a flat tyre. After waiting for Halfords to open I learned that there was no mechanic available. I then tried a bike shop in a council estate but it was shuttered up and someone said that it had been that way since lockdown started. In the end I drove to a repair shop in a forest park about six miles away, had a short walk while waiting for the fitting of a new inner tube and then returned to the same car park in Thetford and started again.

Beyond the point where I'd camped, the Peddars Way became an 'official' cycling route, with the occasional deviation where the Roman route no longer exists or is merely designated 'footpath.' There are clear signs to deter cyclists from using the footpath sections which is fair enough – clarity reduces the temptation to try one's luck! The terrain took me through forests, along wide farm tracks clearly made for large agricultural machinery and along lanes which occasionally subsumed the Roman course.

Contrary to popular opinion I can confirm that Norfolk is not flat. There were some significant climbs, but whereas in Kent these are often short and sharp, in Norfolk they tend to be long and gentle without the reward of a spectacular view at the top, which isn't to say that the countryside wasn't very pleasant. In addition one has to plan a bit. In more populated counties one gets used to finding a shop or pub within three or four miles, but well-endowed villages can be much greater distances apart where the population is spread more thinly. I also noticed that on the main roads mileages to significant towns are often in the thirties whereas in Kent you'll rarely see a distance above the teens.

With all this in mind, I decided to detour to the town of Swaffham and refuel with a couple of Guinnesses outside the Red Lion (the most popular pub name in the UK). An elderly woman from Dereham chatted as she passed me, and although it was only 4pm, I tucked into lasagne, chips and salad in a café, again not knowing how far the next facilities might be.

Back on the Peddars Way, I soon came to the village of Castle Acre where I wandered around the outside of the impressive ruined priory. Three young ladies were trying to record a promotional video of some kind by a stone archway which was once a gateway to the village. I waited until they messed up a take to wander in and take the obligatory photo on my phone (of the arch, not the young ladies!). As the village name suggests, there was also a castle here.

After a second night's camping I continued all the way to Holme-next-the-Sea. There were a lot of fields filled with 'pig huts' and I stopped to look at a Bronze Age burial mound or barrow along this section. Later I passed through ground owned by 'Sandringham' and the hills became more bumpy. The final miles of the cycling route were on lanes, with a fairly challenging climb before Ringstead, where I bought some pills for my headache which I think was merely muscle strain from the wild camping.

After briefly resting on a bench at Holme, where I decided to avoid running the gauntlet of flying golf balls to get to the sea, I rode to the resort of Hunstanton, one of the only places on the east coast of England where the sun sets over the sea, due to its location on The Wash. I stopped to photograph the classic view of the lighthouse through the stone arch, just as I did with my father in 2001 when we were visiting all the mainland lighthouses for our book project, 'England and Wales in a Flash.' A board informed me that St Edmund allegedly landed here and after his reign he was used for archery practice and brutally killed, with a wolf reputedly guarding his head afterwards. I continued into the bustling town centre and found a café where I had a full breakfast with black pudding. Although the town has the feel of an upbeat 'Margate' or 'Hastings,' its population is surprisingly under five thousand.

I continued southward via Heacham and Snettisham, managing to avoid actually riding on the A149 which had a huge queue going the other way, towards Hunstanton and the beach no doubt. So much for social distancing. I passed milestones with the distance to King's Lynn counting down from '10' to '8,' which was where I turned off and found a nice pub beer garden, meriting a stop. This was just as well as a glance at my 'map app' revealed that I was going the wrong way.

The road wound its way up towards Sandringham, with a regal looking avenue where the forest was kept beyond neat lawn-like verges - an approach fit for a queen! My next port of call was the small town of Fakenham, and I didn't pass a single building for about five miles on one particular lane, which ran through a valley with strips of evergreen forest on the gentle slopes. I paused for a rest near a bridleway section and a lady in a car asked if I was alright. People are nice here, you see!

Eventually I got to Fakenham, sussing out the suitability of a heath-like area for camping before heading for the town centre, resorting to Wetherspoons as I fancied a curry, thus breaking my embargo on the chain. Reading their magazine, it seemed that Tim Martin's comments about furlough were widely misreported and that he merely said that he wouldn't blame his staff if they got jobs in supermarkets, so perhaps my stance on Wetherspoons was too hasty anyway. Whilst fake news abounds online, it is worrying when reputable media sources prefer to go for whatever makes a good story than sticking to the facts. With my conscience clear, I was pleased to see that Fakenham itself had a good social distancing system where arrows ensure that the observant always walk on the left pavement.

The rest of my trip involved taking in Dereham, which is the capital of the Breckland district of Norfolk, and Watton, where I found the locals particularly friendly, although when I moved to a quieter part of the pub I did overhear a woman in tears being told to 'get a grip' by her friend. I hope their girls' night out was salvaged.

Often foxes can be heard barking incessantly in the night when wild camping, but the area around Thetford is also rife with military activity. I got used to the planes and helicopters, but one night it sounded as though machine guns were repeatedly being fired. My horror-writer friend from Norwich also came out to meet me one day, relishing a photo opportunity with a statue of Captain Mainwaring in Thetford, racing up the steps to the top of the castle mound and possibly relishing the cider even more.

On the sixth night of camping I hung a tarpaulin from branches and camped beneath it as showers were forecast. This cemented my decision to make the following day the finale. During this, I rode along the Harling Drove, a ten-mile route through the forest north of Thetford, which uses sandy tracks (difficult for cycling) and the occasional lane. I added this to the collection of ancient droves that I've cycled, specifically the Shaftesbury Drove and one on the Isle of Wight. This was the first day of compulsory mask-wearing and I searched in vain for a shop selling postcards of Norfolk in Thetford before driving home. The merit of trying to skimp on a bit of money by using the Blackwall Tunnel instead of the QE2 Bridge was questionable as I encountered a two-mile queue, but I can confirm that the 'improved' section of the M20 around West Malling is much better than it used to be during rush hour.

If you've enjoyed this write-up there are many more in 'Stair-Rods and Stars - a Cycling Perambulation.' You can also feel good by helping independent authors in the cut-throat world of publishing!

The North Kent Coast and Bedgebury Forest - a Cycling Perambulation

As the lockdown rules have changed a bit and we can now drive to different locations for exercise (in England), I've enjoyed several pleasant rides in different parts of Kent.

It was on the hottest day of the year so far when I drove to the town of Faversham, which proudly houses one of only a handful of copies of the Magna Carta. I parked on a loop of road that crosses the dual carriageway Thanet Way to the east of the town. I then got my bike out of the boot and rode via the village of Graveney to Seasalter. I remember being taken here as a teenager when my grandfather was doing some maintenance work on a chalet. I was off school for three weeks with chicken pox so my grandparents took me there for a day out, mostly to relieve the boredom I think. You could view this 'boredom relief' as a practice run for six months on furlough 32 years later, although once 'sensible' camping is permitted and pubs are tentatively open I can see more options!

When I came into the suburbs of Whitstable, a town famed for its oysters, I tried to get to the sea by crossing a bridge, but the track was a dead end one side and private the other, so I continued along the road. When I reached the quayside with all its seafood stalls I enjoyed not a pint of whelks but a cup of tea while sitting on a wooden construction. It was busy but people were still being sensible about social distancing, unlike the crazed scenes on the TV that day from Bournemouth and Camber on the south coast. Perhaps city dwellers desperate for sea air with a somewhat lax approach to coronavirus just haven't heard of Whitstable!

I continued along the sea wall to Herne Bay, passing a point where a spit of sand runs out to sea and people were walking back and forth along it, a little like the characters in a painting by MC Escher. There was also a sandbank marooned in the water along this section. Getting stranded on there with the tide coming in would take social isolation to another level. Further on the remnants of the end of an old pier can be seen at Herne Bay. The wind farm, which can be seen out in the estuary / sea, was the world's largest from April 2013 until September 2018. Looking back to the west you can see the Isle of Sheppey, England's second largest island after Wight.

I sat down by Herne Bay's current pier and then headed inland, using a shop in Sea Street to buy some lunch before riding along Bullockstone Road, which climbed through trees. I then took a dead end lane into West Blean Wood and sat down in the shade near a gate to have my lunch. It was very hot by now, but I hoped the largely wooded route I intended to take back to the car would provide some shade.

I rode the track known as New Road which was dead straight as it headed west. I saw a slow worm at the side of a lane at one point. I still think they look more like snakes than legless lizards! Eventually I picked up the Crab and Winkle Way and headed south. This is an off-road cycle route from Whitstable to Canterbury which was named after one of the UK's first railway lines, opening in 1830 and operating until 1953. The cycle route makes only minimal use of the former track bed but is very pleasant. I came out onto the A290 near the University of Kent and mused about whether or not my own life would have been better, worse or just different if I had gone to uni at some point. I guess I would have had more money by now, but would I have had the time to pursue the things I enjoy as much, such as biking, camping and writing my books? The jury's out.

The philosophising came to an end as I turned down a road to Rough Common and picked up the next track into the woods on the northwest side of Canterbury, another 'New Road.' This trail ran for several miles and eventually curved down to meet a lane. I turned left and felt the full force of the heat as I climbed a shadeless hill. On the next lane, there was a glorious view before the inevitable descent. I rode back to the car via Staplestreet and at one point I thought a stone was rolling down the road, but the sound was produced by either my tyre sticking to the tarmac or the tarmac sticking to my tyre.

Personally I quite like the heat, which makes it rather ironic that I am perhaps one of the most vociferous worriers about global warming you will meet. I get the impression that I am in a minority on both counts. "Eco-worrier and proud!" I hasten to add that usually I use public transport to reach my riding locations but this isn't advised at the moment due to that confounded virus.

Another ride I did as we near the end of the lockdown was a loop around Bedgebury Forest. This is a lovely area of public woodland, which has two cycling circuits of eight miles in length (I don't do kilometres - much!). If you enjoy unusual acoustic songs 'Lady of Bedgebury' recounts the tragic tale of a murdered woman's body which was found in the forest and never identified (YouTube, Spotify, etc.).

The green 'family circuit' is fairly gentle and there is a red route for mountain bikers. I chose the latter, and the banked curves and humps along the furiously winding loop were tremendous fun. There are also a few rocky sections which my suspensionless bike isn't really up to, and just for adrenaline addicts there is a 'black route' with jumps that would appeal to stuntmen. I skipped this section!

Passing out of the forest I climbed towards the A21 on the B2079 and turned left to the village of Flimwell, managing to avoid actually riding on this frenetic road when a pavement appeared – certainly safer and not causing any inconvenience in a rural location like this. I relished the opportunity to have a cup of tea outside a café cum farm shop, this being my first outdoor beverage of 2020, and after this I headed to the edge of the large village of Hawkhurst and returned to my car via Slip Mill Lane and a short byway which presented me with a gruelling climb as a finisher, before a pleasant drive back to 'Ash Vegas,' which is how residents with a sense of irony often refer to the expanding Kentish town of Ashford.

The Long Song (Consecutive Longest UK Number Ones And More)

[Updated June 2021]

'The long song' used to be a feature on Simon Mayo's Radio 2 show where he played the tracks that don't get a lot of airplay, at least not in their entirety. Well, I was curious as to what were the longest tracks by my favourite recording artists. It's the kind of thing you occupy your mind with during a coronavirus lockdown and it also combines two of my favourite interests, music and statistics, so what's not to like? Now, all lengths are taken from the particular versions of the CDs / downloads that I have, so no bickering please. Let's start, as any music-based discussion should, with the Beatles.

1) Helter Skelter (White Album Super Deluxe)* 12.54
2) Revolution 1 (White Album Super Deluxe)* 10.29
3) Revolution 9 8.22
4) I Want You (She's So Heavy) 7.47
5) Hey Jude 7.08
6) It's All Too Much 6.28
7) What's The New Mary Jane (Anthology version)* 6.12
8) You Know My Name (Look Up The Number) (Anthology version)* 5.43
9) A Day In The Life 5.34
10) Within You Without You 5.05
11) While My Guitar Gently Weeps 4.45
12) I Am The Walrus 4.37
13) Helter Skelter 4.30
14) Free As A Bird* 4.26
15) Come Together 4.21

The asterisks indicate tracks/versions released after the Beatles career had ended, and apart from the first two I haven't included other White Album 'outtake' tracks, a number of which would feature in the lower half of the list. There are a number of curiosities still in the vault too, such as Carnival Of Light, a sound collage pre-dating Revolution 9, which is said to run in excess of 14 minutes. There is also the legendary 28-minute version of Helter Skelter. When asked why only 12 minutes were released the response was that the track becomes rather boring after a while, which is fair enough I guess. Whilst the Beatles weren't particularly renowned for 'longuns,' Hey Jude held the record for the longest British UK number one single from 1968 until 1997, but more about that later. Also worth seeking out online is the unreleased long version of Flying, which runs in excess of 9 minutes and sees the Beatles dabbling in the genre which later became known as ambient music. OK, onto Pink Floyd.

1) Atom Heart Mother 23.44
2) Echoes 23.35
3) Soundscape (Pulse secret track) 21.49
4) Dogs 17.04
5) Interstellar Overdrive (London 1966/1967) 16.43
6) Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Parts 1-4) 13.31
7) Alan's Psychedelic Breakfast 13.00
8) Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Parts 5-9) 12.23
9) A Saucerful Of Secrets 12.00
10) Nick's Boogie (London 1966/1967) 11.50
11) Pigs (Thee Different Ones) 11.22
12) Sheep 11.24
13) Interstellar Overdrive 9.41
14) Sorrow 8.47
15) High Hopes 8.22

I haven't included tracks from live albums, which means the four 'longuns' from the live disc of Ummagumma are excluded for example. The 'soundscape' is a bit of a shoo-in to be honest, and interestingly the band chose to break up a few of their epics like Sysyphus and The Narrow Way into different parts. Now, Bob Dylan is a particularly interesting example as I seem to recall him once being asked 'Why are your songs so long?' and replying something along the lines of 'I can't believe you have the nerve to ask me that!'

1) Murder Most Foul 16.54
2) Highlands 16.32
3) Tempest 13.55
4) Sad Eyed Lady Of The Lowlands 11.22
5) Desolation Row 11.21
6) Joey 11.05
7) Brownsville Girl 11.03

8) Key West Philosopher 9.34
9) Tin Angel 9.05
10) Lily, Rosemary And The Jack Of Hearts 8.54
11) Ain't Talkin 8.48
12) Hurricane 8.32
13) Ballad In Plain D 8.17
14) Idiot Wind 7.50
15) Standing In The Doorway 7.43
= Spirit On The Water 7.43

Again live tracks have been omitted and I did look up the lengths of numbers 4 and 5 on Wikipedia as they are so close. Next, I thought it would be interesting to look at consecutive longest number ones in the UK since the charts began in 1952. Again, the times are from the versions I have.

1) Here In My Heart (Al Martino) 3.14 (1952)
2) You Belong To Me (Jo Stafford) 3.15 (1953)
3) Secret Love (Doris Day) 3.44 (1954)
4) Mary's Boychild (Harry Belafonte) 4.25 (1957)
5) House Of The Rising Sun (The Animals) 4.32 (1964)
6) Those Were The Days (Mary Hopkin) 5.10 (1968)
7) Hey Jude (The Beatles) 7.11 (1968)
8) D'You Know What I Mean (Oasis) 7.22 (1997)
9) All Around The World (Oasis) 9.38 (1998)

For the last three I've googled the official single lengths as people can get awfully worked up about these things! Surprisingly Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, often regarded as the number one hit that broke the mould when it came to length, was five seconds short of 6 minutes, so it was still a good way off of breaking the Beatles' length-record at the time of its release in 1975. Winnifred Atwell's 'Let's Have Another Party' was number one in 1955 and ran to 5.54 but this was across both sides of the vinyl single so I view it more as a double A-side.

Not only is it interesting that the last two on the list were both by Oasis, but also that the preceding two were both written by Paul McCartney. 'All Around The World' also seems to be heavily influenced by 'Hey Jude' with its 'na na na' refrain. I doubt that anybody is going to break the record now, and to be honest I can't take more than a couple of minutes of most modern songs anyway, but that's just personal taste. 

And just for info, the longest record to stall at number two in the UK was Laurie Anderson's 'Oh Superman' in 1981 which gobbled up 8 minutes and 21 seconds. She was number one to Lou Reed however as she later became his wife. Lou himself had pushed the boundaries back in 1968 by putting the cacophonous 17-minute track, 'Sister Ray,' on the Velvet Underground's second album.

Don McClean's 'American Pie,' which is often regarded as the longest 'number two hit' runs to 8.33 but like Winnifred Atwell's disc, the track was split across the two sides of the vinyl '45.'

Another track often cited as an epic is Led Zeppelin's 'Stairway to Heaven.' However, it was never released as a UK single and it is actually ninth in the Led Zep length rankings which are topped by 'In My Time Of Dying.' Meanwhile, the longest track I have in my collection is Mike Oldfield's 'Amarok' which runs for an entire hour and fills an entire album. As far as I am aware, Richard Branson wanted him to produce a commercial sequel to Tubular Bells so Mr Oldfield presented Virgin with this beguiling track instead. Quite frankly, given Mr Branson's brass neck of late, my sympathies lie firmly with Mike. After that we get a few half-hour tracks by the king of improvisation, Miles Davis, and then we're into the realm of Pink Floyd, etc. Another couple of eighteen-minuters I like are Cat Stevens' 'Foreigner Suite' and Arlo Guthrie's 'Alice's Restaurant' which is more of a story than a song!

Oh, and finally, if you insist, here are the longest tracks by Adam Colton & Teresa Colton. Let's face it, this is what you came here for after all!

1) Silicon Symphony (Parts 1-3) 11.36

2) Silicon Symphony (Parts 4-6) 11.24

3) The Lighthouse Trail 6.58
4) Arizona Sunrise 6.55
5) The Travelling Kind 5.34
6) Spanish Nights 5.26
7) Push Button One 5.22
8) The Other Side Of Town 5.18
9) Rainbow Moon 5.11
10) Train To Nowhere 5.04

Ok, we are a mother and son act from Kent. Look us up on your favourite online music channel if curious or find us on Amazon. We also did a cover of Billy Joel's 'Piano Man' which surprised us by running to 6.43. The Silicon Symphony is actually a story in six parts - an abridged form of my novel The Nightshade Project. The album, 'Silicon Country,' which contains both of these tracks will be out early in 2021.

It's taken a good hour to write this so that's another lockdown afternoon successfully filled. And I didn't even get round to Hotel California or Telegraph Road.

STOP PRESS: The musical musings and humour continue in '2021: A Musical Odyssey' - now available in digital and paperback formats.