Adam's Music Reviews #7 - Alternative Christmas Songs

It's December and the airwaves are awash with Slade, Wizard, etc. In fact I only need to name the artists and you'll know exactly what songs I'm referring to. Nice as many of these tracks are, this a blog for those who fancy a festive change from the norm. Scouring my music collection I've tried to find all the Christmas songs that you won't hear played on the radio. Let's begin, as all music lists should, with the Beatles.

The Beatles – Christmas Time Is Here Again (1967 / 1995)

This was just a recurring jingle on one of the group's annual Christmas discs for fans, but it was nicely edited into a full-length track as a B-side on the 'Free As A Bird' single released in 1995. The lyrics are somewhat minimalist and Paul McCartney would revive the 'O-U-T spells out' motif on his 2013 track 'Queenie Eye.' I wonder if there was a wry comment on the 'bigger than Jesus' furore in the line 'Been around since you know when...' Who knows. The track ends with John Lennon putting on his best Scottish accent for an atmospheric little bit of nonsense.

The Sensational Alex Harvey Band – There's No Lights On The Christmas Tree, Mother... (1972)

...They're Burning Big Louie Tonight. That's the punchline folks. Yes, this is a Christmassy tale about a man being arrested and sentenced to death by electric chair, consequently shorting out the electricity and prompting the singer to observe that the Christmas tree lights are off. Alex Harvey was a distinctive performer from Scotland with a superb bunch of musicians, often employing risque lyrics, but occasionally there was a moral message, such as regarding protecting the environment. Any DJ willing to play this gets a Victoria Cross for bravery.

Wings – Rudolph the Red Nosed Reggae (1979)

This one's safe. It's a quirky instrumental rendition of the traditional favourite, which appears as a bonus track on the album 'Back To The Egg.' Harmless fun which started off as the B-side to the much more often played 'Wonderful Christmastime.'

Paul Simon – Getting Ready For Christmas Day (2011)

The opening track to Paul Simon's album 'So Beautiful Or So What?' An unusual rhythmic track with something resembling gospel chanting in the background. Paul Simon was no stranger to Christmas songs, especially when teamed up with Art Garfunkel. Guess who's next...

Simon and Garfunkel – 7 O'Clock News / Silent Night (1966)

The duo sing the traditional favourite with just a piano accompaniment as reality breaks in in the form of a particularly nasty edition of the 7 o'clock news. The juxtaposition seems to say something about the essentially fantastical nature of believing in peace on earth for a single day of the year. It's the only Christmas song I know with brutal murders in it. Simon and Garfunkel did record the odd Christmas song straight however, such as Star Carol, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and Go, Tell It On The Mountain. All are worth checking out.

The Who – Christmas (1969)

Another dark Christmas song. This one was part of The Who's rock opera, Tommy, contrasting the Christmas that most children have with the severely limited experience that the deaf, dumb and blind central character has. 'How can he be saved, from the eternal grave?' Harsh stuff, hey?

Chas & Dave - Long, Long Ago (1986)

Just when you're thinking 'Where's the warm Christmassy glow in this lot?' along come Chas & Dave to fill the void. I remember my sister coming home from primary school having learned this as a carol. The teachers must have been pretty quick off the mark to have snapped this yuletide classic up at the time. The Cockney lads eulogise 'Winds through the olive trees softly did blow' while accompanied by a brass band. The B-side of Silent Night is also very nice and there's no seven o'clock news this time! It just goes to show that the pair of Londoners could be serious, although this is as rare as Christmas in February. talking of which...

Lou Reed – Xmas In February (1989)

Venturing across to the dark side again, this one is from Lou Reed's album New York, essentially about the lack of work prospects making army life seem appealing, and the consequent rescheduling of Christmas when you're busy with the 'kill or be killed' stuff on December 25^th.

Roy Orbison – Pretty Paper (1963)

Roy Orbison is in country mode while exploring the often visited theme of being lonely at Christmas. The song seems to reference homelessness in the second verse, so it could even be a socially conscious Christmas song. Right, wipe that tear away, we're going 'punk' next.

Eels – Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas (1998)

The B-side to the wonderfully festive 'Cancer For The Cure' is actually a fairly straight Christmas song in a slightly 'punk' style. 'Baby Jesus, born to rock.' Er... enough said!

Monty Python – Christmas In Heaven (1983)

Of course it's not serious! This was the musical finale to the comedy group's film 'The Meaning Of Life.' Really it seemed to be satirising the stereotypical 'American' idea of what both Christmas and Heaven should be like.

Joni Mitchell - River (1971)

This occasionally gets a play on BBC Radio 2 but I'm including it as it isn't as well known as it should be. It opens with the notes of Jingle Bells on the piano in an uncharacteristically melancholy fashion before Joni begins the sad tale which is a similar theme to Pretty Paper, being that of the bustle of Christmas going on around a lonely person who wants it all to just go away.

Eric Bogle – Santa Bloody Claus (1993)

Another satirical one. Eric Bogle is a writer of poignant folk songs, but he occasionally lets his hair down with a number like this. It's a little bit rude and I'm not sure if he was trying to compete with Kevin Bloody Wilson here, in which case Mr Bogle's song will seem positively tame.

Bob Dylan – Must Be Santa (2009)

This is a bit of a cheat as it actually does get regular airplay at Christmas on BBC Radio 2, but the sheer brilliance of Bob Dylan doing a traditional Christmas album with a voice that has been completely ravaged has to be lauded. This is perhaps the standout track on 'Christmas In The Heart' but in this house the entire CD gets a spin every Christmas. Bob makes this Christmas favourite his own by listing the names of recent USA presidents among the reindeer. Was he being subversive? Oh, I do hope so!

Pink Floyd – Roger's Boogie (1968 / 2016)

A track that lay in the vault until the release of the band's megalithic box set 'The Early Years.' This is clearly an attempt at a Christmas song with a lyric about Gabriel coming to the stable, and even in the 'anything goes' psychedelic era that it was recorded, I would still say that it's something of an oddity in the Floydian catalogue.

Bob Dylan – Winterlude (1970)

Not a Christmas song per se, but every bit as seasonal as 'Baby, It's Cold Outside,' 'The Power Of Love' and 'Stay Another Day.' Here the legend that is Robert Allen Zimmerman uses the good old fashioned theme of engaging in romantic pursuits while the weather outside is frightful.

Adam Colton & Teresa Colton - Make A Fat Cat Fatter This Christmas (2015)

'Who?' Come on, this should be a Christmas number one! We're a mother and son folk duo and this is a satirical song about Christmas commercialisation. Legendary DJ Dave Cash gave it a spin on BBC Radio Kent and so should you. And just in case you think we're being too irreverent my mother's two self-penned carols 'Shepherd Boy Carol' and 'Whisper In The Wind' should prove otherwise. All are on the album Mixed Messages.

So now the bit you've waited for - if you want to listen to them here's the playlist. Bob Dylan's record company seem to want to hide 'Winterlude' so the list is one track down. As the onion seller always says, that's shallot!

STOP PRESS: The musical musings and humour continue in '2021: A Musical Odyssey' - now available in digital and paperback formats.